This past week was all about letting go. Letting go of the idea of who someone was. Letting go of the memories and good times and finally, truly accepting who someone is. Letting go of the thought that a friendship could occur in the context that person desired. Letting go of the lies and telling the truth.
Learning to let go of someone you care about it is difficult. Is gut-wrenching at times. Creates sadness and frustration. But what makes it easier; is to read and study about the type of abuse you have endured. When folks tell you more than once, “it is like you are someone who is beaten, yet keeps going back,” you get a wake-up call. I find it terrible that this is how anyone would see me. Until this person, I would have never thought I could be an abuse victim. And when that said person actually does threaten a gun and a knife, the wake-up call rings very loudly! Especially after a violent act has already been committed before.
But the more I read about Narcissistic Abuse, the more I and everyone around me knows this is what I have endured for the past 3+ years. I am beyond grateful that I have children, family members and friends who have loved me enough to continue to fight to keep me away from this. Who continued to listen and encourage me that this wasn’t right. I knew there was a reason I never lived with! I am so grateful I didn’t actually bind my entire life to this.
So in the vein of moving on and letting go and living free, I want to encourage anyone who is going through this, to seek out help to get away from this kind of person. It seems to be one of the more difficult abuse forms to get away from because there is no physical damage usually. It is all mental and emotional. I have read a lot of great books about this. I sought out an abuse victims group and I have found numerous blogs that speak to this. All have helped get me ready to finally let go and walk away.
And yet it has still been a challenge because he rarely stays away from me for long. The draw to control is high for these abusers. So I thought I would post a few ideas that have been helpful for me to understand what I was dealing with and things I am doing as I move into a free place:
- I found great books about Narcissistic Abuse. One of my personal favorites has been: Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi.
- I have learned what a narcissist is. They are selfish and self-absorbed. There is no ability to actually feel real empathy and love. They are master manipulators and are often very charming. They are chameleons. The irony about this, he told me himself he was a chameleon, perhaps I should have listened better.
- I read blogs. I research ideas. I seek out help to keep this type of monster from infiltrating again. Joining online groups where you can chat with others who have suffered and overcome this, is invaluable.
- I walk A LOT! Since I am still in surgical recovery, this is about all I should do these days. But I have found that walking, even if on the treadmill, gets that blood flowing and promotes positive hormone levels that really help keep negative thoughts away.
- I STOP and REDIRECT any and all thoughts to something else when they arise. I remind myself of the truth. That this was a case of abuse, not love. I repeat this over and over. reminding myself of all the nasty, horrible things rather than anything I thought was good. I have to remember love is not harmful.
- I let go of wanting him to be a better person. I no longer care. He can be someone else’s monster, control them. He’s no longer my monster.
I really hope that this experience helps someone else. I think this next week will be better because I finally feel free. I no longer believe any of the lies.
Letting go is hard. When you are abused, you are kept down. You are kept under someone else’s control and it can seem impossible to get away from. Thankfully I was not physically harmed, although I want to hope that I would have immediately walked away from that if so. But having this experience, I can not be sure. Abuse is abuse. It warps the way we think about love and creates a harm we have to fight to heal from.
Please seek help if this is happening to you. We have this one life to live as free as possible. I thought I was free from the chains, but I am learning that sometimes you have to slide down the hill to reshuffle your feet for the climb back up. I am finding that footing again! You can too!
Remember–narcissists cannot stand the light. They hate to be “found out”, they are the ultimate liar…exposure sets you free. Fear is their game, but our strength and desire to live free CAN be stronger! Let’s keep helping each other Let go!
The BEST IS YET TO COME!