I was thinking about how much better this weekend is over the last one and how I really want to be done with the conversation about my last relationship, but I think it is important to share some helpful information before I change topics. To share what I have read and the insights gained from seeking help from others who have endured this type of abuse.
First, the characteristics of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
I recommend this post from a recent Blog I found:
This entire list is consistent with everything about NPD I have read. It sums up what I have experienced. Here is my version of the same list:
- Being a lair. Not just about the big stuff such as cheating, but the small stuff. Where they went when supposedly running to the store. How much something cost or what they spent money on. Stealing office supplies. Almost everything that is said is a lie. This is just who they are, they are liars.
- Not taking responsibility. Everything is always someone else’s fault. There is some “reason” for why they have slashed tires, called you names, attempted contact (just to check on how that “ex” was doing). When they are caught in a lie, they might apologize, but find a way to turn it around on the other person or even onto you.
- Feeling a sense of superiority or authority. They kinda behave as a know it all. They have to find an issue and exploit it. Create a conflict at work so as to appear to “fix” it. Create an issue at home just to fight about it and get you to be “wrong” so they can be “right.”
- Attempt to harm those who oppose or expose them. They will try to convince everyone that their ex is crazy. That they were the ones with an issue. They will make up lies, will contact family and friends with completely made up falsehoods, at times so outlandish that they don’t even make sense. They could cause physical or mental harm.
Relationships with someone with NPD, also seem to follow a specific pattern. In my experience with this, it proves to be true as well. Here is another great blog post that lists the cycle: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/
This entire cycle listed about half way down has been ongoing in my world for the past 3+ years. Even when I have walked away, when he has found a replacement, when he has moved someone new in, the Narc has always managed to love- bomb, hoover, triangulate, gaslight me again and again.
What I find interesting and freeing, is to read these articles, books, blogs, personal experiences and see that my “relationship” followed almost all of the same. He follows these lists so closely it astonishes me. Also, makes me feel less alone and less to blame. I know that because I am a good person, who knows how to love, that I was targeted. That he could take advantage of my caring, nurturing nature. He was able to get his supply and is effective every time. To name a few of the things he has been consistent in I thought I would give a list of the similarities of each of his women and so-called relationships.
- Each one has been a single mom, often with more than one kiddo.
- Each one has a similar body type.
- Each one does not have a great relationship with their children’s father or ex-husband.
- Each one has been single for awhile.
- He has moved very quickly with each one, providing financial means of some kind that creates some kind of dependency.
- He has shared the same story about wanting children and has been able to get each one to desire to give him a baby, even trying to do so, no matter if we did not want anymore before him.
- Each one has been rushed into physical intimacy, being made to believe they are the “best he’s ever had.”
- Each one has been told “I love you” very quickly and early from him
- Each one has been charmed into believing they are a queen and he is this great guy, wondering where has he been all our lives…
Third, I wanted to share some things that are typical of dating or breaking up with a Narc:
- Finding a replacement within weeks of breaking up with the “love of your life.” Claiming they can be alone, but their life proves otherwise. Not sure that the sheets are even changed before bringing a new “supply” into their bed. Often are sleeping with the new one while still with the old one.
- Buying presents or gifts from day one. Spending exaggerated amounts of money early one. Providing extravagant or inappropriate gifts; especially very early in the relationship. Not allowing any financial contribution. They have to be the “provider.”
- Pushing boundaries. Disregarding things that may make the new person uncomfortable. Such as pressing to move quickly to get to know the children. Family. Friends. There is an element that a new dating prospect would want to meet ones’ families, however, not usually before each is comfortable. The Narc doesn’t care about boundaries, just cares about gaining control.
- Wanting to be friends on social media with everyone that you are. Finds fault with anyone in your life that might question the speed of the relationship. Or the changes you are making for this person. Starts to weasel doubt into your mind about those that have cared for you much longer than he.
- Wanting to live together very quickly. Wanting sex early and all the time. There are no boundaries here either. Uses you physically as well as emotionally. Often sex is as exaggerated as everything else. Not letting you physically get rest due to an unreasonable sexual appetite.
In researching all of this, I can see the reality of what my “relationship” was. I can see who I was dealing with. What type of person he really is. I have still been dealing with him and all of this for almost a year after ending my engagement. In these blogs, books, or groups, you learn that the process of healing takes time. Takes dedication to learning and understanding the abuser and the victim. Setting boundaries and not allowing them to be broken.
There is no easy way through. As these blogs referenced above will also talk about, it is very difficult to rewire the circuits in our brains. I posted all of this, to show you that you are not alone. A Narc seeks out a good person. Seeks out a fabulous source of supply. So we have to remember to tell ourselves the truth. That we are the ones that have the ability to really love. To be honest. To be real. We are not chameleons. We can handle criticism and grow. What we felt was real, just so happens we crashed into darkness.
May the lists on these blogs, the lists from my particular experience, help you in the event you are suffering the same. May you have the strength to run the opposite direction if you are a victim of this. Set no contact boundaries. Keep reading. Keep focused on healing. Do not buy into any more lies.
Choose to move forward. Choose to focus on the healing process and creating a new reality. Do not close your heart to the reality that this is not most people. YOU nor I are the ones with the problem. I actually read somewhere that really helped me…oddly enough…but the statement was trying to say, do not take it personally, the Narc seeks out a source of supply, that is all.
We get to learn, heal, and move onto a happier day! I get to learn and create a life where I cannot be lumped into a list of similarities. Where I am not just “another” in a long list of the same exact woman, basically, with just a different name.
Let’s keep learning together. And moving toward healthier relationships.