Earlier, I watched a video a girlfriend shared on her FB page, all about domestic violence. And what struck me from it, was when she finally realized the abuse as abuse she broke her silence. She told everyone she said. Everyone! She stressed that we have to break the silence. Staying quiet allows the abuse to continue. We have to be willing to share our stories.
I thought about her words today as I was deciding what to blog about. And as I stated in my video the other day, I will dedicate one day a week to discussing abuse. It is an important topic to focus on as it is happening every day all over the world. Many think that abuse is only physical, but psychological abuse is also just as damaging. Abuse in any form is not ok and even though you can not physically see the effects of NPD abuse, it is still detrimental to the victims, their children, families, etc.
Even as I am moving forward and away from this chapter of life, the conversation about abuse is important. Because my experience is with someone with NPD, I will focus on that and hopefully, bring some education and assistance to those that may be dealing with the same thing or who are trying to understand what is happening in their relationship.
It is important to state: No matter how you get into any relationship, no matter the circumstances, no matter if you’re a wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, friend, or not, male or female; NO one has the right to threaten you. NO one has the right to harm you. There are NO reasons or justifications for abuse in any form.
I have been in and out of a relationship with someone with NPD for more than 3 years. I was targeted and pursued aggressively, even though he was married at the beginning. I was just one of many he pursued in his marriage. One of many that fell for his charm. Because of my own empathetic nature, my own lack of love, my own vulnerability at that time, I fell for the lines he was giving me. I even ended up agreeing to marry him but shortly after called off the engagement. And the past year since then has been even more of the NPD cycle, as I will share. Those who have been a part of this cycle know what I am talking about. You know the highs and lows and how difficult it is to get away from a Narcissist. We don’t ever intend to be here, nor think this will be us, so it’s hard to accept it. It’s hard to admit that’s what it was. That I was just a pawn in his chess game. It is hard to get past the anger that this knowledge brings.
But in order to heal and move forward, we need to first know, this is not our fault. Anyone who abuses another, the blame rests on them, not the one who cares for them. As we accept this and start to set and follow clear boundaries, such as No contact, we can begin to move toward a better place.
Learning about NPD has been invaluable. Has opened my eyes to see things more clearly and to start to understand the type of person I thought loved me, that I loved. Seeking the help needed to get away and protection from possible harm, I see more clearly the mental illness. I can see the obsessiveness of the abuser, such as when receiving multiple messages in less than 5 minutes. Or when threating harm if I do not “go away” even though I am not in any contact. Most recently a threat with his gun and knife. Sometimes breaking the silence can seem impossible to do, but for me, every time I have stayed quiet, the door was kept open for further contact and I am no longer willing to allow that.
We will explore the different stages or cycles of this. From the Love-Bombing to the No contact ideas. In my experience, from how it started to how it has ended, almost our entire “relationship” has followed these patterns. I want to understand this disorder, the abuse, why I was targeted and what to avoid so I am never a victim of this again.
We all have a voice for a reason. I believe we each have a story, have experiences that we wish we didn’t but that maybe some good can come from. This is MY story. It has been my reality, regardless of how the Narc or anyone else perceives it. Regardless if it makes others uncomfortable to hear the truth. Regardless of how others may think things started or my role in it, abuse is unacceptable. Being a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, ex any of these, friend…NOTHING makes threats, harm or abuse okay. No matter what role you are in life, you are worthy to be treated with respect. Basic human rights…but as we will see NPD abusers do not see anyone as having any real value, they are all only a potential supply. We will explore more of this in the weeks to come. We will look at the books and blogs that I have researched to gain knowledge and wisdom to never be a victim of this again.
NPD abuse is very real. Many have been and still are victims of this and it is a just as real as physical abuse. Actually often leads to physical harm. As my experience has been, Narc’s have no regard for the law, there is no hesitation in doing things that “normal” brains know are wrong and likely to end in trouble. They will stop at nothing to keep you silent. To stop the truth from coming out. I have been harassed, stalked, threatened, by him and others for him but helping you and myself understand this kind of abuse is important.
May all who have been abused stop staying silent! May we learn the things to avoid. Learn the potential warning signs, learn the red flags and what is considered “normal” relationship behaviors and normal break-up behaviors. Knowing what to avoid and the signs of NPD abuse is just one step. Sharing stories is how we get the knowledge out. Sharing resources and sharing the recovery is how we help each other heal.
A few sites to check out about NPD abuse that I have found insightful and helpful. I look forward to learning and healing together. Each post, I will try to highlight different resources, knowledge is always powerful.