When I can’t sleep too well, I tend to write.
Earlier I was reading through the past couple months of posts and wow, I live up to the Blog Name…I have lots of words to say. 🙂 As I was re-reading some of these posts, I was struck by how much growth there has been and how much more I still have to do. I don’t think we ever “arrive”, always striving for better but we should be able to see progress.
And the truth is, today, today it’s tough to feel progress. Now I know that feelings are not indicative of reality necessarily so I italicized that. The reason is that I do know there has been progression regardless that I do not feel it today as this week was just a particularly tough week.
In reading past posts, I see the ups and downs of my feelings towards letting go, moving forward, telling the truth, and gaining knowledge. I also see that what I have been learning has been helpful for myself and others. How sharing my experience has value and shows others they are not alone in this.
But I wanted to get even more real today…I still struggle! Not every day, not all day, but some days are worse than others.
I realized this week that the reality of the situation is that it has only been 6 weeks since No Contact has been enacted (this time). It was 6 weeks ago I received the last threatening phone call. Less than 2 months ago, I was still being called baby and told I love you. Attempts to get physical still being made. The hoovering was extreme and ongoing for far too long. And really since we have met, we have never gone more than 6weeks without contact.
If I am real with myself, this is probably part of the reason this week was tough. I have finally realized that I do not want my joy stolen. I do not wish to be hoovered ever again. I don’t want this type of person in my life, so that part of me that has become addicted to our cycle is having to accept the withdrawal. And having to demand from myself that No Contact is the only way I will ever get past this.
Before I was involved in this type of relationship, I really didn’t understand how people could stay or go back to someone who intentionally harmed them. As I am more educated on how our brains are affected and re-wired some, plus the dependency that is created, I am learning how hard it is to break away. How hard recovery and healing is. I personally desire to say it’s not hard at all. That I’m fine, completely over it all. But that isn’t true. The truth is I loved, possibly will always love in some ways, a man who was terrible for me and to me. He does not know how to truly love because Narc’s do not have that ability. I understand the role I played for him, but it was not the same for me. So yes, getting past it, away from it, now I understand how hard that is to do.
This blog has some great posts, in the middle of this one, it talks about the real love the victim feels and how hard that makes moving on:
In facing the realities of the type of person I have cared for, I have had to evaluate many things about myself as well. Not to say that being abused was my fault, but I desire to learn from this and not be here again, so I have to be willing to get real with myself.
In doing the excavation, I have discovered some things I would like to ignore but can’t if I am to heal fully.
- I saw the red flags and ignored them.
- I went back after the first time he hurt me, called me names and discarded me. Going back many times actually.
- I allowed my vulnerabilities to override my common sense. Knowing now about love bombing, it’s so blatantly obvious of a ploy I almost feel foolish for falling for it.
- I learned about the stages of NPD abuse and yet still allowed him to break through my defenses each time. I allowed him to break boundaries I had set because I was addicted to the drama we created for each other.
- I IGNORED my gut instinct because I had fallen in love. And in doing so allowed more pain to continue long past when the actual (primary) relationship had ended.
In growth, there is usually pain. Part of why I posted that song and have it on repeat. The lyric: “You can’t change without a fallout…” speaks so loudly to me. Getting over someone you loved, takes more than a week or two. Or six. Real love isn’t easily replaced. Even if you’ve loved the wrong type of human, one who hasn’t deserved that love, it doesn’t make it any less real or less painful.
There is still a process to go through. To heal and recover takes time and actions. Evaluating myself is just one step, taking action to not repeat behaviors is the next. Education has been part of that. Learning new ways to set and keep boundaries is another.
If we remain steadfast in No Contact, eventually, we become free from it. When you have moments of struggle, do not break, reach out to others who truly love you, write, hit the gym, etc. Do other things that will allow you to keep moving forward. I write, I workout, I blast music and I talk with those that I trust.
Feeling you are not making progress or having a tough day…this will pass! Stay strong.