It’s been awhile since I have posted. Even now, as I type this I am not sure I truly have much to say. But I am trying to see writing as a break more than needing a break from it. It has often been a balm to my soul, so I attempt to share some of that now.
In this past week, a great sadness has rocked me. Has shaken me enough to ponder; what is the point? What is the point of this life? The struggle? Not really in the melodramatic way it seems I am viewing it, but more in what are we doing with our lives and is it making an impact in the way it “should”? Is what I am doing here, on this planet, making a difference in some way that is worth my time, energy and soul?
My heart is heavy. My soul is sad. My body is tired. I am too young for the melancholy that I have allowed to seep in these past few days or perhaps longer. I sit and watch others; strangers or those I love or have loved and see that we are all just one moment from death. We know not the moment unless we take that action ourselves. And if we do, what are we left with? What happens to those we leave behind?
Death takes people, every day, but when it’s done by one’s own hand, I think there is a loss so great to those left behind, that it is beyond our comprehension to understand it. We are left with so many questions, so many wonderings if we somehow could have changed the outcome. There is no closure and as humans, we like things wrapped up. We like to know the whys of things, it’s part of our greatness. It drives us to come up with amazing innovations and solutions to problems. But when we don’t get the why, when we are not able to discern another’s thoughts and reasonings, we are left with an even greater loss as we are not able to attribute death’s taking to a rational cause.
Grief is a tough state to bear. It’s time-consuming, soul-crushing, heavy. At this time, I am still pondering what is the point? The knowledge that death is all around us, every day, it is in my own selfishness that I can see we are often unaffected till it hits close to home, till it’s our loved ones, family or friends that cause us to truly be impacted. Perhaps this is just me, but we often go through life unaffected by those we do not know or care about it.
I am wondering if that is the point of this moment; to be woken up to a greater impact we must make in this life. To see my one life as greater than this tiny bubble I inhabit and reach beyond the grief and loss we all experience, let it fuel a fire to be a difference maker. To take the losses of this life and become greater because of them. As my theme continues, to be our best selves…
This hit me as well as important to remember; may we always step up…not necessarily in just the losses.