It’s interesting to take a look at one’s own writings and see which ones have resonated the most with others. As I look through the 77 posts I have written (wow) I can see that my most read posts have been about NPD abuse; I take that to confirm that it was the right thing to share some of my life. That perhaps my relationship, break-up, loss and regain of freedom and joy was useful and helpful to others.
So I thought I would share a new post somewhat in connection with that topic.
As I was running an errand tonight, I was thinking about that moment in my life. The long 3 years; the ups and downs, the good and bad, the love (or the part I believed to be love) and the unloving. I have moments like anyone that has genuinely loved another, where I reminisce the good times and try to block out the bad. Where I may see something that triggers a memory and am reminded.
While these thoughts were going through my head, this song came on. I have heard it many times and it always strikes a cord. I imagine this is the same for many of us. Music is often a healer and for me many times, it seems to speak to me. Seems to break through any cloudy thoughts and shines some light in.
I will always be someone who believes in some level of a higher power, a great connection to the universe and who wants to believe there is better after this life. One of the ways I stay connected to the spiritual side of myself is to listen to Christian music. Since I was alone in the car, I turned it up and felt these words wash over me.
Cory Asbury “Reckless Love”
These words in particular:
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me”
These words reminded me how protected I was and still am; even now. I was protected from not binding my life to a man who did not love me like this; who does not know how to love in general as we have explored. Reminded me there was a reason I could not get past who I know him to be. These words were showing me that Love; real love; the Right Love; will pursue, will not give up, will fight. And if it’s not right, the Real Love that comes from above, or God, or the universe, or whatever word you call your spiritual power, will find ways to show you, will not stop showing you what you are worth; what you can have; what is best. Sometimes we listen (even when it takes awhile; 3yrs, sigh) and sometimes we make mistakes. But it will not stop seeking to show us better. To show us what love is supposed to be like.
It took me awhile to believe I was better off. That I wasn’t missing something that should be for me. Today, I am beyond grateful that I have learned what love should be. That I did not settle for less. Thankful that I was shown the true colors again and again so that I was not blind to what I would’ve been accepting. And I am thankful I have always known (deep down, hidden for a while) the kind of love I want. The kind I truly deserve and am worth. So I was able to finally accept that what I was getting, what I thought I wanted, what I was missing (after leaving) was not the Best for me. Was not the kind of love anyone wants.
And as I know this song is truly talking about the Christian version of God, his love and pursuit of us, I am taking the liberty to apply these words to love in general. Starting with yourself. That we should be reckless in the self-love that we have. When we overwhelming love who we see in the mirror, we are free to pursue the right things for our lives. We will love others with abandon, with freedom, with joy. When we are filled up with true love, we can’t help but love others the way this song claims “God” loves us.
I hope you have an overwhelming, never-ending, reckless kind of love for yourself. And that you are free to love the others in your life with the same.