This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.
BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.
I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.
These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.
Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.
I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.
And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.
So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.
Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.