Posted in NPD

Updated NPD post–A Recovering Narc Victim

I have been debating writing this post. I wrote at the end of the year about wanting to move this blog towards a new place, away from this topic.  But this topic still seems relevant and many of you read or reread the NPD posts so I thought I would provide a sort of “update” on this topic.  I am at a very different place than when I first started blogging about this.  But even with where I’m at now, I still struggle at times. There are still remnants; pieces that are misshapen and need tender care. There are moments of confusion and questioning myself.

I like to think because I’m healthy, have no contact with the narc and am in love and in a healthy relationship that I was all “healed” from the damage. But the truth is, being a victim of any abuse leaves you scared.  Leaves you with moments of doubt and uncertainty.

When you have been a narcissists supply, you have been deceived in a hideous, insidious way. You essentially have your brain warped; mind f’d we call it. The wires have to (in some ways) be reprogrammed to think normally again. And I’m not sure how long that takes.

So I thought I would write what this recovering looks like to me. I am not any authority on abuse or know what you need if in this situation, so please seek help if you are in danger. But I do know what I’ve studied and gone through after experiencing narcissistic abuse. What I’ve done to get healthy and perhaps some of these things can help you as well.

My steps of recovery:

1. Recognizing what abuse is. Reading and studying about narcissistic abuse. The more I learned the more power I developed to fight my mind when it wanted to believe the opposite. When I wanted to think there was actual love there, I had to unlearn the things he made me believe were love.

2. Listening to the voice that says this isn’t right. That gut instinct. The isolation from family and friends, how you’re spoken to, the hot/cold moods, the insistence to please and the forceful ways in which you are made to do so. None of that was okay. And you’re gut almost always knows this. I’ve learned to listen to it now.

3. Absolute zero contact. I read over and over how vital this is to healing and would agree. I blocked, deleted and made sure to avoid any places where any contact would be likely. I’m lucky I was able to follow through. The narc didn’t respect those boundaries all the time, but what matters is that I follow that. Often as the victim we don’t know how to sever the tie and because our brain has been messed up, we become addicted to the abuser. Zero contact was the hardest but most effective action for healing.

4. Journaling and writing about it all helped me feel less alone. Helped me understand more of this type of abuser and gave me a voice I didn’t have in any other way. And writing is a fabulous outlet to help process all the emotions you’re not sure how to handle. Sometimes just getting them out even if to just tear it up helps release those feelings that you have no where else to put them.

5. I focused on my health and creating a life I loved. I didn’t stay focused on the losses. Or the abuse. I would give it thought, write about it and then move onto something else. I read all the time. Kept busy with friends and tried to stay busy.  I became physically active to help in releasing all those happy endorphins; to keep myself positive.

Each of us has to do what we can to heal from abuse. Hopefully we choose to heal and move on in a healthy way. My process has worked for me. And yet I still have moments where I see more work to be done. The wounds are long scared over but they are still there. If you’re in the open wound or scabbed over stage, I recommend seeking help. Be part of a community that will support your healing. Take ideas from others. Read. Write. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. But one you can recover from and move forward to build a beautiful life.

Posted in NPD

Narcissist Drama

I have been watching the stats on my site for quite some time now and the most read posts are those about NPD abuse.  I thought that as I moved forward; away from this chapter of my life; writing more about self care this would become less but that does not seem to be the case.  I know this is a still an important topic to discuss.

So I thought I would write something new about NPD in hopes to continue to educate and encourage anyone going through this type of relationship.  Or for those that are on the other side of the abuse but may still need information from time to time.

And one area that I may not have touched on before is the Drama that the Narc thrives on.  The more of it the better.  The more chaos they can create for the primary source, secondary or even one discarded; the more supply they receive.  If the Narc can create drama for you; they get validated somehow.  One who is healthy usually wishes to avoid drama, so this is tough to comprehend.

But when I think of a Narc, my view is that of a flea.  A nasty, annoying little mite that can not survive without a host.  We itch and claw to make them go away.   We watch our pets scratch and shake in attempt to get rid of these. And we put special medication on them to help them.  Just like our pets need our help, we have to help each other in staying the healthy course.  We have to learn some new ways of coping and how to avoid the drama the Narc creates.

So I thought we should explore some ways to combat the drama that might occur when the Narc makes contact. When (NOT IF), the Narc makes contact; we have a choice.  No matter how much time has gone by; no matter if they have moved on; are “committed” to someone else; you are committed to someone else; you have relocated, had no contact for over a year or more; the Narc will make contact.

When the contact is made you may not feel like you had any choices in that moment.  You may be confused as to how they were even able to call you, see you, email you.  You may have felt that you were insulated in your new world.  You might feel, as I did, that the length of time of no contact meant a true moving on.  But don’t let that confusion derail you from the path you are on now. Don’t spend too much time on the how or why.  That doesn’t really matter.

What matters is continuing to focus on your own health.  On your current situation and circumstances.  If you are in a healthy relationship now, continue to thrive.  If you are working on getting healthy and the Narc has broken your no contact boundaries; it’s a reset moment.  It is not a failure on your part!

Here are a few ways to stop the Narc from creating drama in your world:

  1. Tell everyone when they have made contact.  Do not stay silent.  Do not hide the contact from your new, healthy partner, your family and friends.  You did nothing wrong. You need the support of those around you to stay the course.
  2.  Do not give it too much thought and attention.  Let the dark cloud this creates roll past you quickly.  Stay focused on all your progress and the healthy life you have now.
  3.  If need be; re-block phone numbers, emails, any contact information. Change your contact information, like you phone number or email address if need be. Move if you need to.  DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE SAFE.
  4. Continue to do the things you enjoy.  DO NOT let the Narc win by confusing your mind.  DO NOT let them live rent free in your head!  (thanks babe for that piece of advice)
  5. Re-evaluate your boundaries and be very clear (with yourself) on the consequences if they are broken.  That may mean knowing how to initiate a restraining order.  That may mean contacting your HR department at work.  Installing cameras around your home.  Alerting the authorities to a stalker situation.

You do not have to be dragged into the drama these folks wish to create.  You are healthy now.  You have choices.  You have boundaries.  And when these are broken, think of these ways to stop the dam from bursting.  Know that you are not alone.  You have strong men and women who have gone before you; who are in this with you and you can continue to move on.

Drama is not a part of our world anymore!

Posted in General, NPD

Random thoughts again

I saw this the other day and I was thinking about the past couple years. How painful they were. How degrading, defeating and discouraging being with a Narc was. How tough the climb out of the hole was.

But reading this and looking at my life now, I’m so thankful for where I am. For the lessons learned through it all. And the happiness I have in knowing the pain has left me, because I’ve learned and grown.

Sometimes we have to lean into the pain. To let it wash over us, to cleanse us in a way. To create new.

My heart and mind are over flowing with joy. In my self. My life. In new adventures.

If going through the pain, hold on, it will leave you when it’s run the course. Hugs and hope for us all. 😊

Posted in General, NPD

Forgiveness

This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.

BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.

I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.

These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.

Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.

I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.

And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.

So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.

Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.

Posted in General, NPD

Never-ending Love

It’s interesting to take a look at one’s own writings and see which ones have resonated the most with others.  As I look through the 77 posts I have written (wow) I can see that my most read posts have been about NPD abuse; I take that to confirm that it was the right thing to share some of my life.  That perhaps my relationship, break-up, loss and regain of freedom and joy was useful and helpful to others.

So I thought I would share a new post somewhat in connection with that topic.

As I was running an errand tonight, I was thinking about that moment in my life.  The long 3 years; the ups and downs, the good and bad, the love (or the part I believed to be love) and the unloving.  I have moments like anyone that has genuinely loved another, where I reminisce the good times and try to block out the bad.  Where I may see something that triggers a memory and am reminded.

While these thoughts were going through my head, this song came on.  I have heard it many times and it always strikes a cord.  I imagine this is the same for many of us.  Music is often a healer and for me many times, it seems to speak to me.  Seems to break through any cloudy thoughts and shines some light in.

I will always be someone who believes in some level of a higher power, a great connection to the universe and who wants to believe there is better after this life.  One of the ways I stay connected to the spiritual side of myself is to listen to Christian music.  Since I was alone in the car, I turned it up and felt these words wash over me.

Cory Asbury “Reckless Love” 
These words in particular: 
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me”

These words reminded me how protected I was and still am; even now.  I was protected from not binding my life to a man who did not love me like this; who does not know how to love in general as we have explored.  Reminded me there was a reason I could not get past who I know him to be.  These words were showing me that Love; real love; the Right Love; will pursue, will not give up, will fight. And if it’s not right, the Real Love that comes from above, or God, or the universe, or whatever word you call your spiritual power, will find ways to show you, will not stop showing you what you are worth; what you can have; what is best.  Sometimes we listen (even when it takes awhile; 3yrs, sigh) and sometimes we make mistakes.  But it will not stop seeking to show us better. To show us what love is supposed to be like.

It took me awhile to believe I was better off.  That I wasn’t missing something that should be for me.  Today, I am beyond grateful that I have learned what love should be.  That I did not settle for less.  Thankful that I was shown the true colors again and again so that I was not blind to what I would’ve been accepting.  And I am thankful I have always known (deep down, hidden for a while) the kind of love I want.  The kind I truly deserve and am worth.   So I was able to finally accept that what I was getting, what I thought I wanted, what I was missing (after leaving) was not the Best for me.  Was not the kind of love anyone wants.

And as I know this song is truly talking about the Christian version of God, his love and pursuit of us, I am taking the liberty to apply these words to love in general.  Starting with yourself.  That we should be reckless in the self-love that we have.  When we overwhelming love who we see in the mirror, we are free to pursue the right things for our lives.  We will love others with abandon, with freedom, with joy.  When we are filled up with true love, we can’t help but love others the way this song claims “God” loves us.

I hope you have an overwhelming, never-ending, reckless kind of love for yourself.  And that you are free to love the others in your life with the same.

Listen here: