Posted in NPD

Narcissist Drama

I have been watching the stats on my site for quite some time now and the most read posts are those about NPD abuse.  I thought that as I moved forward; away from this chapter of my life; writing more about self care this would become less but that does not seem to be the case.  I know this is a still an important topic to discuss.

So I thought I would write something new about NPD in hopes to continue to educate and encourage anyone going through this type of relationship.  Or for those that are on the other side of the abuse but may still need information from time to time.

And one area that I may not have touched on before is the Drama that the Narc thrives on.  The more of it the better.  The more chaos they can create for the primary source, secondary or even one discarded; the more supply they receive.  If the Narc can create drama for you; they get validated somehow.  One who is healthy usually wishes to avoid drama, so this is tough to comprehend.

But when I think of a Narc, my view is that of a flea.  A nasty, annoying little mite that can not survive without a host.  We itch and claw to make them go away.   We watch our pets scratch and shake in attempt to get rid of these. And we put special medication on them to help them.  Just like our pets need our help, we have to help each other in staying the healthy course.  We have to learn some new ways of coping and how to avoid the drama the Narc creates.

So I thought we should explore some ways to combat the drama that might occur when the Narc makes contact. When (NOT IF), the Narc makes contact; we have a choice.  No matter how much time has gone by; no matter if they have moved on; are “committed” to someone else; you are committed to someone else; you have relocated, had no contact for over a year or more; the Narc will make contact.

When the contact is made you may not feel like you had any choices in that moment.  You may be confused as to how they were even able to call you, see you, email you.  You may have felt that you were insulated in your new world.  You might feel, as I did, that the length of time of no contact meant a true moving on.  But don’t let that confusion derail you from the path you are on now. Don’t spend too much time on the how or why.  That doesn’t really matter.

What matters is continuing to focus on your own health.  On your current situation and circumstances.  If you are in a healthy relationship now, continue to thrive.  If you are working on getting healthy and the Narc has broken your no contact boundaries; it’s a reset moment.  It is not a failure on your part!

Here are a few ways to stop the Narc from creating drama in your world:

  1. Tell everyone when they have made contact.  Do not stay silent.  Do not hide the contact from your new, healthy partner, your family and friends.  You did nothing wrong. You need the support of those around you to stay the course.
  2.  Do not give it too much thought and attention.  Let the dark cloud this creates roll past you quickly.  Stay focused on all your progress and the healthy life you have now.
  3.  If need be; re-block phone numbers, emails, any contact information. Change your contact information, like you phone number or email address if need be. Move if you need to.  DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE SAFE.
  4. Continue to do the things you enjoy.  DO NOT let the Narc win by confusing your mind.  DO NOT let them live rent free in your head!  (thanks babe for that piece of advice)
  5. Re-evaluate your boundaries and be very clear (with yourself) on the consequences if they are broken.  That may mean knowing how to initiate a restraining order.  That may mean contacting your HR department at work.  Installing cameras around your home.  Alerting the authorities to a stalker situation.

You do not have to be dragged into the drama these folks wish to create.  You are healthy now.  You have choices.  You have boundaries.  And when these are broken, think of these ways to stop the dam from bursting.  Know that you are not alone.  You have strong men and women who have gone before you; who are in this with you and you can continue to move on.

Drama is not a part of our world anymore!

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Posted in General, NPD

Random thoughts again

I saw this the other day and I was thinking about the past couple years. How painful they were. How degrading, defeating and discouraging being with a Narc was. How tough the climb out of the hole was.

But reading this and looking at my life now, I’m so thankful for where I am. For the lessons learned through it all. And the happiness I have in knowing the pain has left me, because I’ve learned and grown.

Sometimes we have to lean into the pain. To let it wash over us, to cleanse us in a way. To create new.

My heart and mind are over flowing with joy. In my self. My life. In new adventures.

If going through the pain, hold on, it will leave you when it’s run the course. Hugs and hope for us all. 😊

Posted in General, NPD

Forgiveness

This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.

BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.

I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.

These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.

Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.

I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.

And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.

So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.

Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.

Posted in General, NPD

Never-ending Love

It’s interesting to take a look at one’s own writings and see which ones have resonated the most with others.  As I look through the 77 posts I have written (wow) I can see that my most read posts have been about NPD abuse; I take that to confirm that it was the right thing to share some of my life.  That perhaps my relationship, break-up, loss and regain of freedom and joy was useful and helpful to others.

So I thought I would share a new post somewhat in connection with that topic.

As I was running an errand tonight, I was thinking about that moment in my life.  The long 3 years; the ups and downs, the good and bad, the love (or the part I believed to be love) and the unloving.  I have moments like anyone that has genuinely loved another, where I reminisce the good times and try to block out the bad.  Where I may see something that triggers a memory and am reminded.

While these thoughts were going through my head, this song came on.  I have heard it many times and it always strikes a cord.  I imagine this is the same for many of us.  Music is often a healer and for me many times, it seems to speak to me.  Seems to break through any cloudy thoughts and shines some light in.

I will always be someone who believes in some level of a higher power, a great connection to the universe and who wants to believe there is better after this life.  One of the ways I stay connected to the spiritual side of myself is to listen to Christian music.  Since I was alone in the car, I turned it up and felt these words wash over me.

Cory Asbury “Reckless Love” 
These words in particular: 
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me”

These words reminded me how protected I was and still am; even now.  I was protected from not binding my life to a man who did not love me like this; who does not know how to love in general as we have explored.  Reminded me there was a reason I could not get past who I know him to be.  These words were showing me that Love; real love; the Right Love; will pursue, will not give up, will fight. And if it’s not right, the Real Love that comes from above, or God, or the universe, or whatever word you call your spiritual power, will find ways to show you, will not stop showing you what you are worth; what you can have; what is best.  Sometimes we listen (even when it takes awhile; 3yrs, sigh) and sometimes we make mistakes.  But it will not stop seeking to show us better. To show us what love is supposed to be like.

It took me awhile to believe I was better off.  That I wasn’t missing something that should be for me.  Today, I am beyond grateful that I have learned what love should be.  That I did not settle for less.  Thankful that I was shown the true colors again and again so that I was not blind to what I would’ve been accepting.  And I am thankful I have always known (deep down, hidden for a while) the kind of love I want.  The kind I truly deserve and am worth.   So I was able to finally accept that what I was getting, what I thought I wanted, what I was missing (after leaving) was not the Best for me.  Was not the kind of love anyone wants.

And as I know this song is truly talking about the Christian version of God, his love and pursuit of us, I am taking the liberty to apply these words to love in general.  Starting with yourself.  That we should be reckless in the self-love that we have.  When we overwhelming love who we see in the mirror, we are free to pursue the right things for our lives.  We will love others with abandon, with freedom, with joy.  When we are filled up with true love, we can’t help but love others the way this song claims “God” loves us.

I hope you have an overwhelming, never-ending, reckless kind of love for yourself.  And that you are free to love the others in your life with the same.

Listen here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in NPD

Lessons Learned

How do you see your life choices? Do you view mistakes or painful memories as a regret or a lesson? Do you focus on the negative aspects of those moments or allow them to fuel you to a better life?

I tend to be a lesson viewer myself. More often than not, I do not regret things. Figuring that experiences are just part of our life journey and even the ones that I might not do again, I wouldn’t change either. Trying to see it all as part of my life adventure and evaluate all; good and bad, to help me be a better person.

These past 4 years have taught me so much. About humanity. About abuse. About love and myself. I have no desire to go through these years again, but I can see value in what transpired that serves me well now.

Here is a list of things I’ve learned from being attached and detached to a narcissist:
1. What real love is and is not. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is,” seems the best way to sum this up. Love is not something easily forgotten or transferred from person to person. Real love is not fleeting, not fake and not abusive. Real love is an action, not a word. The Narc doesn’t know what love is, so looking for it with one, will leave us depleted. Real love starts with self. Knowing that we are worthy of love. This experience showed me what real love is supposed to look like; by showing the opposite. Lesson learned.
2. How terrifying abuse can be. Being called names, bullied into submission, having someone use their physical stature to intimidate, all of those things are not loving and not ok. If it goes as far as physical pain, property damage or ignored boundaries, this is not loving and abusive and necessary to get away from. We should never be afraid of someone who claims to love us. We should never fear for our children, family or self-safety. Abuse comes in many forms, I’m thankful to have learned the signs, now I know what type of person to stay away from.
3. How resilient humans are. How fantastic our desire is to be better today than yesterday. How even when someone wishes to tear you down, you can rise above. That we are capable of so much more than we even know and sometimes it takes getting away from someone that is bad for us, to discover our greatness. To see our true selves. To create an even better existence than before. There is freedom on the other side of it all. I thought I was strong before, but coming through this, I know I’m even stronger.
4. The awesome power of silence. When we stay silent, we have time to gather our thoughts. To assess what we have learned and what we can do moving forward. Silence brings a lot of reflection and allows one to move past the pain and abuse and be even greater. And silence allows one to regain control. Remember Narcs only care about supply, staying silent does not allow them to get any more from you. Silence is a mighty sword. Use it for peace and protection.
5. The healing power of forgiveness. I apply this to self-forgiveness. (Forgiveness for others we will discuss at another time) When we recognize the guilt and shame that we carry because of allowing ourselves to be fooled, abused and lied to; we can start to heal. We have to learn to let go of what has happened and forgive ourselves for being there in the first place. Forgive the part that believed the lies and accepted less than deserved. Forgive the part of us that desired love so much that we were vulnerable to a narc. When we recognize our own need for self love, when we accept that we were prey to a narc, not because of something that we did, but because of that part that loves others well, we can learn to turn that love to ourself and heal.

Our past experiences can teach us so many things when we want to observe from the present moment. From the place of self-care rather than anger or sadness. Our mistakes often can lead us to beautiful places, if we stop to observe them. Learn from them. No regrets. Just valuable lessons.

Posted in NPD

Resources

For those that read this blog to help them get through NPD and the abuse that comes with loving a Narc,  I thought I would give you a few of the blogs that I have found and devoured in learning about this and have proven very helpful for me.  I am a reader so having something tangible to read, is a great source of therapy.  Writing about it all has been another.  Here’s to healing!

This blog and site are written by a Narcissist.   His words are spot on, many of the blog posts I have read have been just about exact/verbatim to my experience.  It’s truly a scary thought how well he seems to know the guy I dealt with.
https://narcsite.com/   


and a couple specific posts:
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/98547045/posts/13924

https://narcsite.com/2017/04/30/vulnerable-2/

This is a blog I have referenced before, worth it to add it as a continued reference.
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/

And this is another blog that explores many different psychology topics, sometimes about narcissism that I think are well written and helpful:
https://makeitultrapsychology.wordpress.com/

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/106156040/posts/27459

I will still blog the healing journey as it is relevant, as more time of No Contact goes by, but for now, it seems healthier to end this topic.  To stop giving the narc anymore of my time.  He didn’t deserve it before, even less so now.  Even these blogs I reference recommend to stop dwelling on it.  I am finally at that point of believing I’m better off and dodged a bullet.  Here’s to continued recovery and happier life.  

Hope these help,  when you need it.  

Posted in General, NPD

Moving on up!

It’s been a little over a year now since my life was turned upside down.  December 1 last year began a new chapter in a new home, finally a house to rent with my children.  And here we are decorating for another Christmas a year later.

As many of my posts have explained, this year was not an easy one.  Having my tires slashed on Thanksgiving was a very shocking awakening to the type of human I had been involved with.  Breaking up with a Narc is not a simple or one time task.  It has taken almost a whole another year to be in this place.  But having finally gone No Contact has improved my life, my children’s lives, and those close to me.  We no longer suffer at the hands of the Joy Stealers.

And part of going No Contact is no longer giving the Narc any more of my time or energy.  I think I have explained a lot of what dating someone with NPD is like, how the breakup is and how much work is involved to heal.   As I am still healing and moving forward, I want to focus on all the things I started this blog for.

I write to process emotions and help myself work through all these thoughts in my head.  I write to hopefully offer some value from these experiences.  I started a blog so I would stop posting all over FB inspirational quotes or long over wordy posts.  I gave into a desire that I have always had to write.  And having worked through a lot of the Narc abuse, having shared with you all about it, has helped me so much to get on that road to recovery, I am ready to let the topic go for now.  Once we are on that recovery road, once we are through the fog of hooverng and triangulation, we can start to see clear skies again and offer more.  I didn’t start a blog to only discuss this one experience.  This moment had a huge impact on my life, but it is not the one and only that defines me.

I am aware that I could continue to write more about NPD, perhaps someday I will compile this entire experience into a book of sorts, but for now, I just want to continue on with enjoying this life.  We have so much more than one experience to offer, our lives if we let them are a constant opportunity to learn and grow.   Let’s keep moving on up to new adventures, new ideas, new chances, challenging ourselves to create the lives we truly enjoy.

I hope you have learned things that may have helped you understand NPD.  I hope that if you are suffering from abuse, you educate yourself, you seek out help, you do everything in your power to get safe and healthy again.  This life is too short and too precious to allow the Narc or any type of abuser to steal any more from us.  I am moving on up…I hope you join me, we have new roads to travel.   We have new joys to embrace.