Posted in General

Healthy relationships; a few items that are required in my view

I’m all about relationships these days. Perhaps it’s finally finding my perfect for me partner. Perhaps it’s getting engaged and focusing on creating our future. Or it’s that I’m very content and happy in this life, having learned what it takes to create a life I love.

I’ve been pondering on whether or not to make this post; because in some ways this topic is subjective. We each may see good but not necessarily healthy.

So I preface this with stating these are my views of what healthy is. What are must haves. What is required. How healthy looks to me.

After leaving a mentally abusive environment and taking the time to heal and figure out my part in the drama, I was open to finding real love. I committed to doing the work on myself so I could be capable of a healthy relationship.

And in doing that work the past few years, I’ve learned some things. Here are 5 Signs of a healthy relationship:

1. You know yourself. You love yourself. By this I mean, you are confident in what you want, what your needs are and know you’re worth having those met. You continue to grow and learn so that you’re becoming a better partner all the time.

2. You respect your partner and they respect you. This in an action word. Healthy partners speak to each other respectfully. Behave respectfully. Actions and words of respect are vital.

  • 3. You can be alone. Your partner can be alone. Choosing to have some independence in the midst of a partnership is important. You may come together as a couple but you are still an individual. Having your own goals and dreams are just as important as the ones you have together.
  • 4. You can compromise. Having a long term relationship requires the ability to put another’s needs as equally important as your own. Accepting that your partner is not you, bring their own point of view of how things are to be done and background story is vital to learning how to meet in the middle.

    5. You trust each other. Not just in the way of commitment, but in sharing of yourself. Trusting that my partner genuinely desires the best for me. For us. Showing the same. Believing being together makes us better people than apart.

    These all seem so simple and obvious when reading this list. And they really are. I could add many more items as well. But the tough part is in the action. Loving and sharing a life with someone requires work. Requires commitment to that work. A healthy relationship isn’t free from stress, tough moments, or angry moments. But it is one of committed actions to show you love and care for each other. It’s building a partnership.

    I was taught love is a verb. Having had more unhealthy than not, it’s an amazing experience to be in a healthy relationship.

    In creating the best life for yourself, learning what you need to be healthy personally, is the first step. Once you can be healthy independently, you have the ability to learn how to be healthy and loving in a partnership.

    My best life includes a partner. After many years alone it’s an amazing feeling to have a partner who shows love in action. Who helps create a life I love everyday. Who helps me be my best self.

    What do you see as your best life? Wether or not it includes a partner doesn’t matter. We are always capable of learning and growing so we have good relationships with whomever we encounter.

    May you keep working at being healthy. At building a life you love.

    Posted in Sunday quotes

    Sunday reflections (20)

    I’ve been sharing a lot about joy as that is my usual state and I really want to share how possible it is to overcome the past and move forward to having a life you love. But I do have off days too. Today is one of those. I am cranky. Tired. Easily annoyed. Kinda wishing I’d just stayed in bed. There’s no real reason I can attribute this mood to other than it’s just an off day.

    Do you feel like that at times? Where you’re just crabby and don’t really feel like talking to anyone? How do you tackle cranky emotions when they crop up?

    In continually seeking to be my best self, I have found one of the best ways for me to change my attitude and mood is to be alone. And also to exercise.

    It’s a beautiful sunny day here. Perfect for walking to the park or taking a long bike ride. Sometimes deep breathing and sitting quietly in the fresh air helps to clear the mind.

    Think I’m going to head to find a place of peace. To sit quietly and close my eyes and refocus my thoughts.

    I hope when you experience an off day, you have a goto method the helps you redirect to finding your better self. We all have cranky, edgy, negative attitudes but we can choose how long we walk in that state. We can choose to find a way back to peace and joy within our selves.

    I hope you have a great beginning to your week. Here’s a couple pictures from our family hike yesterday; a beautiful moment I think I’ll focus on.

    Latourelle Falls.

    Posted in Sunday quotes

    Sunday self care (5)

    Love this reminder. It’s the consistency and what we do each day that propels us forward. Not perfection. Being ok with moments we indulgence or get off track. I write this as I ride my bike for the first time in 3 days as I spent the weekend having fun my mom and daughter. Not a single workout completed.

    When we stop seeking to be perfect with our lives, seek instead a growth mindset, we show ourselves love and compassion. Being committed to daily self care might be time reading, playing games with family, yoga, meditation. Whatever you can do to keep making a little bit of progress forward.

    Posted in General

    Monday morning thoughts

    It’s another beautiful day here in the northwest. Not even a cloud in the sky. What a great way to start the day.

    These two quotes are on my mind this morning as I do my daily morning routine. They are going on my vision board and pushing me to act today.

    What quotes speak to you? Motivate you to change or grow? To be your best self?

    Have a great start to your week!

    Posted in NPD

    Lessons Learned

    How do you see your life choices? Do you view mistakes or painful memories as a regret or a lesson? Do you focus on the negative aspects of those moments or allow them to fuel you to a better life?

    I tend to be a lesson viewer myself. More often than not, I do not regret things. Figuring that experiences are just part of our life journey and even the ones that I might not do again, I wouldn’t change either. Trying to see it all as part of my life adventure and evaluate all; good and bad, to help me be a better person.

    These past 4 years have taught me so much. About humanity. About abuse. About love and myself. I have no desire to go through these years again, but I can see value in what transpired that serves me well now.

    Here is a list of things I’ve learned from being attached and detached to a narcissist:
    1. What real love is and is not. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is,” seems the best way to sum this up. Love is not something easily forgotten or transferred from person to person. Real love is not fleeting, not fake and not abusive. Real love is an action, not a word. The Narc doesn’t know what love is, so looking for it with one, will leave us depleted. Real love starts with self. Knowing that we are worthy of love. This experience showed me what real love is supposed to look like; by showing the opposite. Lesson learned.
    2. How terrifying abuse can be. Being called names, bullied into submission, having someone use their physical stature to intimidate, all of those things are not loving and not ok. If it goes as far as physical pain, property damage or ignored boundaries, this is not loving and abusive and necessary to get away from. We should never be afraid of someone who claims to love us. We should never fear for our children, family or self-safety. Abuse comes in many forms, I’m thankful to have learned the signs, now I know what type of person to stay away from.
    3. How resilient humans are. How fantastic our desire is to be better today than yesterday. How even when someone wishes to tear you down, you can rise above. That we are capable of so much more than we even know and sometimes it takes getting away from someone that is bad for us, to discover our greatness. To see our true selves. To create an even better existence than before. There is freedom on the other side of it all. I thought I was strong before, but coming through this, I know I’m even stronger.
    4. The awesome power of silence. When we stay silent, we have time to gather our thoughts. To assess what we have learned and what we can do moving forward. Silence brings a lot of reflection and allows one to move past the pain and abuse and be even greater. And silence allows one to regain control. Remember Narcs only care about supply, staying silent does not allow them to get any more from you. Silence is a mighty sword. Use it for peace and protection.
    5. The healing power of forgiveness. I apply this to self-forgiveness. (Forgiveness for others we will discuss at another time) When we recognize the guilt and shame that we carry because of allowing ourselves to be fooled, abused and lied to; we can start to heal. We have to learn to let go of what has happened and forgive ourselves for being there in the first place. Forgive the part that believed the lies and accepted less than deserved. Forgive the part of us that desired love so much that we were vulnerable to a narc. When we recognize our own need for self love, when we accept that we were prey to a narc, not because of something that we did, but because of that part that loves others well, we can learn to turn that love to ourself and heal.

    Our past experiences can teach us so many things when we want to observe from the present moment. From the place of self-care rather than anger or sadness. Our mistakes often can lead us to beautiful places, if we stop to observe them. Learn from them. No regrets. Just valuable lessons.