Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday Reflections–How do you fight?

It’s another Sunday that I am reflecting on this weekend and as couples do, we had a moment of disagreement.  This has me thinking about how we you go to battle over different thoughts, ideals or interpretations of things in couplehood?  How do you disagree, be upset or angry and yet still be loving as well?  Is this even possible?

I have read before that how a couple fights is one of the biggest determinations of their success and longevity.  How they speak and react to each other will predict if they will stand the test of time  I have no idea if this is true or not, but I can understand why this would be a large part of a relationship success study.

In an argument; when your feelings are hurt, you feel misunderstood, or you are just plain angry, most of us are not thinking clearly and often not behaving at our best.  How can we make sure our voice or view is heard while still showing respect and care to the one we love?

Having a successful relationship takes a lot of work.  It is not easy and yet I believe our human nature is to fight against this fact.  We want it to be smooth all the time.  We do not desire to argue and disagree or hurt each others feelings.  Human nature is often lazy (although we do not like to believe this; at least I do not) and to have a healthy relationship takes effort, time and energy that we do not always feel like expending.

In evaluating our disagreement post fact and knowing we desire to be among those who are successful in relationships, I thought I would share what I think are the ways to argue in a healthy way with your partner.

  1. Keep voices calm and at normal volume.  I know this may be very tough to do, but this is the person you love, why would you want to yell or scream at them?
  2. Stay committed to the issue at hand.  This can be tough, especially if you are the one who has done something to offend.  Our desire is to fight back; defend our self and take “the heat off us” so to speak.  Turning the argument into another one does not solve the first issue, stay on topic.
  3. Arguing should be done privately. Find a time that you can be alone without children or others.  Never in front of friends or in public.
  4. Stay respectful.  Know and believe that that your partner is desiring the same goal; to have a healthy, loving relationship.  Stay away from attacking each other and use I statements rather than You statements.  If you didn’t study this in school, here is what I mean: An I statement is a way to communicate that focuses on your own feelings or thoughts rather than those characteristics of the recipient.  An example of this would be: “I feel angry when the dishes are often left in the sink rather than put in the dishwasher, it makes me feel unappreciated and that I am the only one that pays attention to cleaning the kitchen.”  This is better than attacking and saying “You never wash the dishes, you do not care about a clean kitchen.” etc.    I know this is very challenging in the beginning, but the more you practice this, it becomes easier and easier.
  5. Forgive and apologize quickly.  Say you are sorry when you do something wrong.  Choose reconciliation over being right.  You are building a partnership, this requires an immense amount of grace for yourself and the one you love.

When we live with any other human we are going to have disagreements.  Living with others can help refine and shape us into our best selves if we let it. Arguments can teach us new things about our partner and give us the opportunity to grow closer.  And in choosing to live your best self; learning, changing and adapting is a requirement.  There will be struggles along the way, but perhaps these few tools will help you if you are navigating this life with another.

Have a blessed day.  Continue in choosing the path that leads you to your best life.

Posted in Sunday quotes

Roaring like a lion

It’s a new month today!  It is said that this month comes in “roaring like a lion and goes out like a lamb”, have you ever heard this phrase before?  I have but had not thought of it in awhile so I looked it up. It means that March comes in with Winter still going strong but when the month ends Spring is upon us.  As I am waking up to a spectacular sunrise over a whole bunch of mountain peaks in very cold temperatures, I am reminded of this.

And it has me thinking about how we approach life sometimes.  How there are seasons where we are going all out, chasing our dreams and goals, making strides in our relationships or businesses, pursuing the hard things.  I see this as roaring like a lion. And then there are the times when we are more laid back, going with the flow, enjoying the fruits of our labor, I see this as the lamb season.

These thoughts do not have to apply to literal seasons such as Winter and Spring but also as the seasons of our lives.  Where are you right now?  Are you in pursuit of your desires?  Are you hustling; chasing those dreams?  Making changes?  Or are you enjoying the work you have done and are more relaxed?  Playing more than working?  Taking more time to rest?

Just like the seasons change and each brings something new to wonder and marvel at, we too have seasons in our relationships, bodies, employment, parenting, etc.  We are never standing still.  We are not the same next year as we are today.

Waking up to this incredible view this morning, I am in awe.  I wish the above picture could do the majesty justice.  But is hard to capture something that is meant for the eye to see standing in front of it.  It reminds me of how small and tiny I am in this big huge world.  How I am just one person. But also how each of us have something unique and special to bring to this life.  We may be tiny but we are not insignificant.

No matter what season you may be in your life journey, appreciate where you are.  Look around you and find some beauty.  Sometimes you will be given the gift to wake up and see the wonder that is this life; enjoy it!  Marvel at it.  Take it in and let the seasons of this life grow you into who you were meant to be.

Whether you are roaring or relaxing, see the beauty. Find the joy. The best you is the one who knows how valuable you are and who shares that with others. The one that stands in moments of awe and majesty and is grateful to be alive. Who sees all the hard, tough, brutal seasons as the winter of this journey; believing and knowing that spring is on it’s way.

Are you standing in front of something so spectacular that you are in awe? Please share!

Posted in Monday Musings

Monday motivations–getting started

Thinking about how to stay on track with goals and dreams had me thinking this past weekend that maybe it’s time for a new series. I enjoyed posting a new vocabulary word last year and just always like the idea of having a specific topic to write about in a series type format.

So with that idea in mind and wanting to keep this blog continuing forward with more self care and best life tips; I’m kicking off motivation Mondays. This is where I might post a quote, a story, a list or anything I think may be of value to anyone that might need some motivation to continue to pursue your best life and tackle your goals and dreams. I know I can often use the extra push in my daily pursuit to be better than the day before.

So today, let’s kick things off! I have a list of dreams that I am dedicated to achieving in this next decade and I can use to stay on track. So today let’t start with a quote that is motivating to me; perhaps it will be for you as well.

This is where it starts! What are you thinking on? What are you hoping and planning to achieve this year? This decade? It’s starts with belief! It’s a choice of believe it’s possible. A choice to take action.

So today think about your dreams. Think on what you want for your life. Start with your thoughts. Dream about what’s possible.

Till next time…

Posted in Wordy Wednesday

Wordy Girl Wednesday–The house that builds us

I’ve been thinking about houses the past few days. Why we choose the ones we do. How we decide the”right”one for our family or possible future family.  How we determine what spaces are the most important and what we must have; like the best kitchen or bathroom, etc.

Having owned a few homes, lived in apartments and now rent a house, I have a lot of experience in this area. Since I’ve been divorced I’ve lived in at least 9 different places. All in the same area. Almost all different sizes.

I have often voiced the thought of how having a smaller home helps love grow. In a home that’s large with lots of options to escape each other perhaps you don’t work things out as readily as a small home requires. So I find I like living in a space that is smaller but open, that requires us to work through issues quickly. It’s challenging to hide your feelings when you have no where to escape to. Even when the space becomes crowded I would still choose our smaller home to the big homes I’ve had in the past.

It’s cozy and warm. It’s open and bright. And our family and friends feel welcome. The size of the home isn’t what matters but what you fill it up with. Who more importantly. I’m hopeful the houses I’ve resided in raise up children who feel loved and ready to explore the world. That my partner feels encouraged and supported in his endeavors and that we thrive as a team.

The house you prefer will look different than mine. And my needs for what my home provides will change. For now these rooms are filled with what we need in this season. I believe love and harmony grow best when relationships are watered and fed. When we communicate and listen with each other.  And I find that no matter what your house looks like, it is the folks that you live with that create the home.

May you feel blessed today.  May you love the home you are building.

I would love to hear from you; what is your favorite space in your house? Do you prefer tiny or large?

Posted in NPD

Updated NPD post–A Recovering Narc Victim

I have been debating writing this post. I wrote at the end of the year about wanting to move this blog towards a new place, away from this topic.  But this topic still seems relevant and many of you read or reread the NPD posts so I thought I would provide a sort of “update” on this topic.  I am at a very different place than when I first started blogging about this.  But even with where I’m at now, I still struggle at times. There are still remnants; pieces that are misshapen and need tender care. There are moments of confusion and questioning myself.

I like to think because I’m healthy, have no contact with the narc and am in love and in a healthy relationship that I was all “healed” from the damage. But the truth is, being a victim of any abuse leaves you scared.  Leaves you with moments of doubt and uncertainty.

When you have been a narcissists supply, you have been deceived in a hideous, insidious way. You essentially have your brain warped; mind f’d we call it. The wires have to (in some ways) be reprogrammed to think normally again. And I’m not sure how long that takes.

So I thought I would write what this recovering looks like to me. I am not any authority on abuse or know what you need if in this situation, so please seek help if you are in danger. But I do know what I’ve studied and gone through after experiencing narcissistic abuse. What I’ve done to get healthy and perhaps some of these things can help you as well.

My steps of recovery:

1. Recognizing what abuse is. Reading and studying about narcissistic abuse. The more I learned the more power I developed to fight my mind when it wanted to believe the opposite. When I wanted to think there was actual love there, I had to unlearn the things he made me believe were love.

2. Listening to the voice that says this isn’t right. That gut instinct. The isolation from family and friends, how you’re spoken to, the hot/cold moods, the insistence to please and the forceful ways in which you are made to do so. None of that was okay. And you’re gut almost always knows this. I’ve learned to listen to it now.

3. Absolute zero contact. I read over and over how vital this is to healing and would agree. I blocked, deleted and made sure to avoid any places where any contact would be likely. I’m lucky I was able to follow through. The narc didn’t respect those boundaries all the time, but what matters is that I follow that. Often as the victim we don’t know how to sever the tie and because our brain has been messed up, we become addicted to the abuser. Zero contact was the hardest but most effective action for healing.

4. Journaling and writing about it all helped me feel less alone. Helped me understand more of this type of abuser and gave me a voice I didn’t have in any other way. And writing is a fabulous outlet to help process all the emotions you’re not sure how to handle. Sometimes just getting them out even if to just tear it up helps release those feelings that you have no where else to put them.

5. I focused on my health and creating a life I loved. I didn’t stay focused on the losses. Or the abuse. I would give it thought, write about it and then move onto something else. I read all the time. Kept busy with friends and tried to stay busy.  I became physically active to help in releasing all those happy endorphins; to keep myself positive.

Each of us has to do what we can to heal from abuse. Hopefully we choose to heal and move on in a healthy way. My process has worked for me. And yet I still have moments where I see more work to be done. The wounds are long scared over but they are still there. If you’re in the open wound or scabbed over stage, I recommend seeking help. Be part of a community that will support your healing. Take ideas from others. Read. Write. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. But one you can recover from and move forward to build a beautiful life.