Posted in General

Announcement

I posted recently about the all changes in my world… Have another one to announce. As of November 20, we have a new family member… Our just about 1yr old lab mix puppy!

Meet Montana!

One of the most amazing things to me in this past year is how much different my life looks and feels. When I read posts from a year ago I can see the growth. I can see the joy is back. Choosing to pursue healthy relationships, making the decision to work on me and accept where I was, being deliberate with my choices and activities, all paved the path to changing my life.

When we pursue finding our best selves, it’s incredible to see what shows up. This month of Thanksgiving reminds me to be grateful every day for this life.

Posted in NPD

Lessons Learned

How do you see your life choices? Do you view mistakes or painful memories as a regret or a lesson? Do you focus on the negative aspects of those moments or allow them to fuel you to a better life?

I tend to be a lesson viewer myself. More often than not, I do not regret things. Figuring that experiences are just part of our life journey and even the ones that I might not do again, I wouldn’t change either. Trying to see it all as part of my life adventure and evaluate all; good and bad, to help me be a better person.

These past 4 years have taught me so much. About humanity. About abuse. About love and myself. I have no desire to go through these years again, but I can see value in what transpired that serves me well now.

Here is a list of things I’ve learned from being attached and detached to a narcissist:
1. What real love is and is not. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is,” seems the best way to sum this up. Love is not something easily forgotten or transferred from person to person. Real love is not fleeting, not fake and not abusive. Real love is an action, not a word. The Narc doesn’t know what love is, so looking for it with one, will leave us depleted. Real love starts with self. Knowing that we are worthy of love. This experience showed me what real love is supposed to look like; by showing the opposite. Lesson learned.
2. How terrifying abuse can be. Being called names, bullied into submission, having someone use their physical stature to intimidate, all of those things are not loving and not ok. If it goes as far as physical pain, property damage or ignored boundaries, this is not loving and abusive and necessary to get away from. We should never be afraid of someone who claims to love us. We should never fear for our children, family or self-safety. Abuse comes in many forms, I’m thankful to have learned the signs, now I know what type of person to stay away from.
3. How resilient humans are. How fantastic our desire is to be better today than yesterday. How even when someone wishes to tear you down, you can rise above. That we are capable of so much more than we even know and sometimes it takes getting away from someone that is bad for us, to discover our greatness. To see our true selves. To create an even better existence than before. There is freedom on the other side of it all. I thought I was strong before, but coming through this, I know I’m even stronger.
4. The awesome power of silence. When we stay silent, we have time to gather our thoughts. To assess what we have learned and what we can do moving forward. Silence brings a lot of reflection and allows one to move past the pain and abuse and be even greater. And silence allows one to regain control. Remember Narcs only care about supply, staying silent does not allow them to get any more from you. Silence is a mighty sword. Use it for peace and protection.
5. The healing power of forgiveness. I apply this to self-forgiveness. (Forgiveness for others we will discuss at another time) When we recognize the guilt and shame that we carry because of allowing ourselves to be fooled, abused and lied to; we can start to heal. We have to learn to let go of what has happened and forgive ourselves for being there in the first place. Forgive the part that believed the lies and accepted less than deserved. Forgive the part of us that desired love so much that we were vulnerable to a narc. When we recognize our own need for self love, when we accept that we were prey to a narc, not because of something that we did, but because of that part that loves others well, we can learn to turn that love to ourself and heal.

Our past experiences can teach us so many things when we want to observe from the present moment. From the place of self-care rather than anger or sadness. Our mistakes often can lead us to beautiful places, if we stop to observe them. Learn from them. No regrets. Just valuable lessons.

Posted in vocabulary

Friday’s Word (10)

One month down of 2018! Time keeps moving quickly and this year is bringing so many changes, great beginnings, and endings. When this year began, instead of setting a bunch of resolutions, I chose a word to live this year by.  Seems a good vocabulary word to share today.

deliberate

Do you choose a word of the year?  Do you have words that hold significance in your daily life?  That you are using to be a guide.  Please share if so.

Happy Friday!

Posted in General

Free

This word sums up how I’m feeling.  The truth always sets you free!

And if I’m bothered by any more joy stealers, I’ll be sure to fill in the things I left out. I think I can skip all the activities of the summer. Not all truths have to be shared to become Free!

I see joy returning.   No more threatening, lying, manipulating thieves in my future.  It’s incredible to know I don’t have to live with questioning my partner! I get to live free from lies.  If ever I felt protection from a higher power, if there is one, that moment is now.  I’ve been kept safe from a life of doubt, control and bad behaviors.  I could shout I feel so good.

Live in truth! Freedom! Joy!

Posted in General

What if…

How often do you say or think to yourself “what if?”  What if I had done this or that?  Married someone else? Went to that other school?  Took that different job?  Or the common one, what if I had not spoken in anger?  Chosen other words to say? Behaved differently?  We could spend a lot of time in this never-ending loop of the other path our life could have taken, if only.

I have always been a “what if” person.  The past few days have taught me, I still am.

This week I went back to work.  Back to an environment that has created a lot of anxiety for me, which surprises me.  It has affected my sleep; (right now I should be sleeping -night shifter here), my ability to focus and these questions of what if seem to be on a continuous loop.  Since my mind will not let me rest today, I thought I might as well get up and write them out.

My workplace is where many of the “what if’s” exist for me.  It’s a place I have worked off and on for over twenty years.  Where I have met a lot of people who were (and some that still are) significant in my life. Many that are in the past.  They are the road not taken. This is also where my ex-fiance works.  Being in a place where I do not communicate with these folks anymore, I guess I can’t help but ask myself “what if”.  What if I had not canceled the engagement?  What if I had never agreed to it in the first place?  What if I had never met him, or some of the others that have greatly affected me?  If only I had taken an entirely different career path many years ago, what would I be doing now?

I was told not that long ago that I spend too much time in the past.  That I do not seem to look at what I can do, instead I focus on what I didn’t do or what I wished I had done.  The things I can no longer do anything about.  I was kind of offended when I was told this.  I never really thought of myself as a backward-facing person.

I have very good friends.  Many would probably tell me the same thing, this friend just has no filter and doesn’t care too much about hurting my feelings.  This can sting at times, but I appreciate the honesty.   And some of my closest friends don’t understand this piece of my personality as they are nothing like this.

Last night I was thinking about the what if’s of my most recent relationship.  The what if’s about someone I loved very deeply but that wasn’t the right fit for me.  The what if of who is he. If only’s.  I was very distressed with all of this. And yet even in the midst of all these thoughts, I was also thinking about how much I enjoy my present state.  I love my life these days.  I truly do not want to think about the past anymore.

So today what has woken me up, is that I can not help but think…WHAT IF WE CHANGED the FOCUS of the IF?   What if we changed the narrative we tell ourselves?

If we started to focus on failing forward.  If we took this phrase and applied it to finding new paths.  Instead of it being something that we often see as negative, we turned it into a positive.  Into a phrase, we use to push ourselves out of our comfort zones.  Into trying new things.  To meet new people.  To reach new goals.

When seeing this through a positive, forward-thinking lense, it looks like this, it asks these types of questions:

  • What if I learn this new skill, how will that help my current job role?
  • What if I try out that new workout, how will that impact my exercise goals?
  • What if I apply for that other job that I am interested in?  What does it look like if I get an interview and they decide to hire me?
  • What if I have that scary, honest conversation with my spouse that I have been avoiding?
  • What if I take that trip that I have been looking into for years?
  • What if I write my thoughts down and start a blog?
  • What if I move?  Try out a new place to live?
  • What if I start a business? Write a book? Launch a website?
  • What if I volunteer? Get a pet? Try out for a play? 

WHAT IF _______________________________________________________________________

Fill in the blank after the question with any positive change that you really want to pursue.  DO NOT look to the past, at the things you can no longer do…but look to the things you wish you were doing NOW.  The things you want to try but are afraid to.

This notion of using the what if’s in a positive way can create a paradigm shift in our lives.  To creating new paths that may be more peaceful and more aligned with who we are.  It creates this notion, a correct notion, that we can change our current circumstances if we choose.

I have always wanted a career doing something that I feel has a purpose.  Has some meaning beyond making a paycheck.  At this present moment in my life, this is raising my children.  Creating successful adults to send out into this world to pursue their goals and dreams.  This is most likely my greatest purpose.

But in the midst of raising children and needing a steady income, there are many other things I can pursue now that will fulfill me too.  My own “what if’s  that I can turn into a positive, forward-thinking view.  That I can use to create new paths in my life.  The question I can ask can be “what if I try this or that…what joy can come with pursuing that?   Trying new things might be scary, but if I magnify the possibilities instead of the risks, so many wonderful things may happen.

Instead of looking back at an ending, I can see the beginning…but I have to turn around…face the right direction.

What are your what if’s that you would pursue?  How can you turn these into tangible possibilities?  What does your life look like when you fill in the blank?

I think I’ll go try to catch some more sleep now…dream about all the possibilities rather than the past if only’s…