Posted in Sunday quotes

Reflections (3)

Love this! The more I practice this the more this truth becomes my life. So much abundance these days! Each day is full of joy, even when troubles hit.

I try to begin each day saying two to three things I’m thankful for. It’s amazing to see the changes in myself and my relationships when I make this my habit.

My cup runeth over…every day! May yours as well.

Advertisements
Posted in General

How great it is…

This is a great beginning to a sentence.  So many positive pictures come to my mind when I think about how I could fill in and end that sentence.

One sentence would be…How great it is to be a blogger.  I am loving sharing my life and experiences with y’all.  This community is so supportive of each other and all the comments are showing me that people need to hear about NPD.  People need to know predators exist, the signs and what to watch for so hopefully others can avoid the pain they bring.

Another would be, how great it is to speak the truth.  How great we can become when we no longer live in the dark, no longer live under fear or control.  When we realize that living in honesty opens are hearts wide open.

How great it is to know I’m able to love and live freely now. Even with the Narc, still today, trying to control, somehow finding a way to contact me even when he isn’t “supposed” to.  Like I’ve posted, narcs do not understand boundaries.  How great it is to no longer care.  To know that I’m no longer bound.  I’m no longer required to hold his secrets.  To cater to whatever he wishes.

How great it is to live in peace within yourself.  This life can be so amazing. When you are out of the cave and no longer squinting in the sun,  instead spreading your arms wide to embrace it you can’t help all but shout with joy.

Leaving the cave,  the darkness…it opens so many opportunities.  You can’t help but walk around with a smile, you survived a special kind of hell.

I am so grateful for this avenue to have a voice.  For all of you who reach out to me.  Knowing many of these posts have reached those who might’ve been dealing with the same cycle of abuse and needed to hear a supportive voice, makes being transparent worth it.

How great it is to see a fabulous future ahead.  To continue to enjoy sharing the ups and downs of this life we all have, with each of you.  I enjoy reading your blogs and learning from y’all as well.

How great it is to see that my small little blog is seen all over the world.  I love checking the stats just to see where ya’ll are from. As I commented in my video, we may have never connected with each other in any other setting.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your life experiences.  May we all continue to lift each other up on this life journey.  And bring joy and blessings to each we come in contact with, no matter how we go about it.

How great it is… ūüôā

 

PS: I thought I would add this video!  I love her posts and this seemed so fitting for the Narc that cannot seem to leave me alone!  Jeez.  She says it so well!  I laugh out loud at all of her stuff!  Most definitely…why would you watch or read???

Posted in lists

Best friends. 6 traits of a great (bestie) kind of friend.

Best Friends are the BEST!  For me, they are part of what makes me survive this life!  I can not imagine doing this life without them!  So I have to give a shout out to these ladies in my life!  I am very fortunate to have a few really great women in my life that lift me up, support me and tell me the truth.  These are all long-term friendships, all over 10 years, some, all of my adult life.  We have been there for each other through all of the ups and downs of this crazy ride of adulthood, motherhood, marriages, jobs, etc.

I was thinking about the traits that make a great friend.  As I am raising children to go out into this world, I want them to seek people who have similar values as in my experience this makes for better relationships.  So I started thinking about the traits of these wonderful women that make up my core group, that have been the anchors when I have been floating around and the life preservers when drowning.

Here is a list I thought of as I was thinking about each one of them.  Traits one must have to be a great (bestie) friend in my opinion:

  • Honesty.¬† I want my best friends to tell me “yeah you look fat in that”.¬† Ha!¬† Maybe not so harshly, but I want them to be honest with how they think, what they feel, to not say what you want to hear but to speak the truth.¬† And be willing to trust that I will accept their view with the intent it was given…in love.
  • Have a sense of humor.¬† Laughter is most definitely the best medicine. We need friends that make us laugh.¬† The kind where you have tears¬†running down your face.¬† Where you have “inside jokes’ that you share and that can always make you both laugh.
  • Trustworthy.¬† As with the honesty, you have to be able to trust them with your secrets.¬† To trust that yes they will tell you the truth, but more than that, you trust them to have your back.¬† You can count on this kind of friend to keep their word.
  • Loyalty.¬† You want friends that will stand beside you.¬† That will fight the battle with you.¬† The best kind of friend will be the one you can call in the middle of the night and be there.¬† One who¬†will jump in the car and come right away if you really need them. You may never need to exercise this, but knowing you have someone that is there no matter what…is a comfort that some never find.
  • Real.¬† You want a friend that you can show all your sides to.¬† The pretty and the ugly stuff.¬† The stuff you are proud of and the things you are not.¬† And you love each other anyway.¬† There is no real judgment, just a desire to want each other to be their best selves.
  • Cheerleader.¬† Besties cheer for each other.¬† They support each other.¬† They shout and dance when you succeed and hold your hand and cry with you when you fail.¬† They are one of your FANS!

I was always taught that if you can count on one hand these type of friends, you are fortunate.¬† Even if you only have one person that fits this, count yourself lucky.¬† We all need a Bestie type of friend.¬† One who is there through thick and thin.¬† One to laugh and cry with.¬† To just sit in the quiet with as well.¬† For me, I have a handful of these type of girlfriends…I call them my Core.

This is that shout out to them, saying thank you for the support and love through all the chaos and all the triumphs.  I Love that I get to do this life with you.

Send love to your close friends that make this life a little easier.¬† Those that help you through the tough moments and rejoices in the amazing, great moments.¬† Remember to thank them occasionally, to make sure they know how much you value them.¬† I see a season of more good than bad…can’t wait to share it with them and ya’ll.

Happy Days ahead!  Thank you Besties!

Posted in NPD

Joy Stealer

Joy Stealer: one who uses your emotions, affections, loyalties, and history to control you into behaving the way they want.  When in contact with one, everyone can see the smiles, laughter, peace, life, and joy drain out

I had started a different post for another Tuesday Treasure idea, thinking about the Fall which I love, but I can not shake how I am feeling today. This week, I am distracted and stressed. I vacillate between frustration and disappointment, trying to decide what is the RIGHT thing for me to do.  I just wrote about honesty.  About being true to yourself most of all.  I know that if I am honest with the struggle, I will need to face it, process it and then follow through. And I will lose something that I genuinely love.  I will alter my work life and have to walk right by one that I have never stopped caring about.

So here I go…sharing my heart and my life with all of you.¬† As I started this blog to be transparent, to offer my experiences in hope that they have some value, beyond just my own pain, I share that I am dealing with a Joy Stealer right now!¬† I was doing well, or so I thought, making forward progress and was really loving my life.¬† But then, I had to go back into the “real” world…WORK!

And oh how the Joy stealer hides.  Behind corners, quietly knowing where I am.  Finds the cracks.  Knows exactly what to say to feed its ego.  How to get what it wants.  There are no limits for Joy Stealers.  They will convince you to lie for them.  To give anything they ask.  They will set you in their scope, take aim, fire, carve out the pieces they want to take and leave the rest to be plucked over by the vultures who think it was the prey that did the hunting.  Not caring at all that you are left beyond wounded; you are left dying.

The irony of this; there is no room for shame in the moments they hunt you.  When the thief has you as their target, they are so good at bestowing what you think is love and light, you are blinded.  It is easy to become light headed.  To feel loved.  To feel valued.  In the moments they decide; the charm is piled on.  The reminders of happy moments, the taste of memories on lips, all the same I love you words.  All to leave you feeling good.  You are made to feel like a queen every single time. And because you never stopped loving the thief, it is easy to believe them. It is easy to fall into the trap. It becomes easy to give whatever they request.

It’s only when you leave the warmth of those moments and are away from their attention, that you realize you are wounded.¬† You have been STOLEN from AGAIN!¬† You are bleeding again.

And so I am struggling now.  Mostly with the emotions that are left over, with facing the difficult task of doing what I know to be right.  Because I am ultimately a good person who has been manipulated, love bombed, triangulated, hoovered. The thief knows I have almost always given whatever has been asked, so thinks nothing of it to seek me out.  And I am judged that somehow I am the one hunting.  I am judged by those in my life who want the best for me, whenever I allow the stealer to have their way.   I am blamed for the robbery as if I was the thief.  Hell, I judge it.

In some ways, I wish I was the one in control of this. But it has never been me.¬† That’s the Joy Stealers game.¬† They find a way to make you blame yourself.¬† Convince others to blame you.¬† Turn affection and caring into an ability to control, tease, lure…into whatever they wish.¬† ¬†This game has been repeated so many times, I would think we all know the script by now.

In my world, we all do.¬† It is easy to recognize when the Joy Stealer has been around.¬† I smile less.¬† I have a shorter fuse.¬† I have less patience.¬† I am moodier.¬† It is evident that I am struggling with what to do and how to behave.¬† I am sucked under the spell and yet know that I deserve to be treated better.¬† I know that I should not lie for them.¬† I should not be the secret.¬† Even I…who doesn’t really abide by “rules or shoulds” knows that being a secret, being lied about and handled in the dark…is not what I SHOULD be doing.¬† Most definitely is not what I WANT for my life!¬† Is for sure LESS than what I am worth.

To keep our joys and stay true to ourselves, we have to learn new ways of taking care.  We have to be willing to be vulnerable so that we can be the best moms, wives, daughters, sisters, etc that we can be.   So in that vein, I am baring my heart.

To be authentic we have to be honest. To better myself, I have to take responsibility for my part; which is that I can not seem to say no to any man I ever love.  I can say no to others, but this one thief, he steals whatever he wants, every single time.  The thief has found a deep-rooted wound and preys on it, giving you (me) something that we need.

I have spent the past few days trying to figure out what that wound is. What keeps me from being like other women and saying NO!  From keeping my boundaries.  Not allowing the thief to take anything else from me.  And then blaming me for it!  Why when anyone sees me after contact, every single one, wonders why I allow the contact?  Why I still let the thief even speak to me?  Why I always give what is requested of me?

And what I have come up with is: I can not stand to disappoint a man I love.¬† I can not bear to be the one who causes harm.¬† I seem to link love and affection with something that can easily be taken away, so I try not to lose it.¬† I try to be “perfect.”¬† I hold back what I really think or feel so as to not be difficult and then lose that “love.” I seem to think saying no to one who knows I love them, is somehow mean.¬† And I try not to be mean, it’s not in my nature.¬† ¬†The thief learned what my wound was and found a way to feed it so well that to lose it fully would hurt me.¬† Leave me missing the attention, affection, desire.¬† Leave me feeling unloved.¬† Leave me feeling like I somehow caused it.¬† So I don’t do anything that might cause harm. I don’t do anything that might take away that love.

This way of thinking is not healthy.¬† It’s not how I love.¬† I do not have the same expectations. I do not prey on a wound.¬† I do not set demands for friendship and keep any hidden. ¬†Loving someone isn’t a momentary thing or easily replaced. When I have said it, it’s real.¬† Not for a gain of anything for myself.¬† If it was I might have stopped when I walked away.

So it’s time to stop this cycle.¬† To TAKE BACK my JOY!¬† To say NO MORE!¬† NO, you can not take anything else from me!¬† No, I am not going to be your secret.¬† Go talk to someone else.¬† STOP playing on my love.¬† I need to accept that real love does not purposely harm another.¬† Real love DOES RESPECT boundaries.¬† Love does NOT USE the others love.¬† Real love DOES NOT use your wounds against you.¬† This thief is the worst of all because they make you doubt what you KNOW about love. They make you think they truly care, which if that was true, they would not cause harm.¬† They would not put you in harm’s way.¬† They would never threaten or manipulate you.¬† Joy Stealers are thieves that do not care about the harm they cause anyone, in their pursuit of filling themselves.

So even though I hate conflict, I avoid at all costs, I need to tackle this like I never have before. I need to put on armor, understand that I am battling for my own life.¬† For my children’s.¬† My family.¬† For those that do love me!¬† That only want the best for me.¬† I have to take control back!

I would love to hear from anyone that has struggled in this way.¬† How did you get your life back?¬† How did you stop letting someone use your love by manipulating you? To stop believing them when they say they value you, love you, want you in their life, but in the dark?¬† ¬†Let’s help each other heal.

To become our best selves we may have to learn new behaviors.¬† Learn how to say no. To stop being the supply.¬† To no longer care if they hate you…cause you kinda hate what they make you become.¬† I end up hating my life instead of loving it!¬† I hate that I become a liar when I am not one! I hate that I hand over my Joy…all because the thief knows I love, therefore can prey on it.

Share with me your thoughts.¬† Any words or actions you have done to help find your way back into joy.¬† And if you are still struggling, share that too.¬† I write in hopes that I can reach even one and tell you…You are not alone!¬† You are not crazy!¬† You did nothing wrong.¬† You are a great person who loved a thief.¬† And you are worth being loved!¬† Really loved!

As always, I am writing to help me and you.¬† To have my heartaches and my triumphs mean something beyond me.¬† This is not my online “journal,” this is written as a means to offer value from one’s life experiences.

 

 

 

Posted in General

Truths

I was directed recently that if I am going to share my story, I should tell the entire truth of it.  This is sorta impossible to do without hurting others as there are always truths left unspoken and probably unnecessary to share. Truth is not a perception, it is facts.  And even though I hate being lied to and truly believe honesty is the best policy, not everyone can handle the truth.  And some truths are mine to keep.  In my experience, most people do not want the entire truth.  They do not want to have to accept what it is or have to make changes if it goes against their core values nor are they usually able to live with themselves if they ignore the truths and continue to live in a way that may go against their nature.

But I did start this blog to share my life experiences.¬† To hopefully have something to offer others from the pain and the joys.¬† I do not think like others in following some of the “rules” society says we are to practice.¬† I try not to label “shoulds.”¬† My view is that we have one life; I want it to be beautiful, productive, creative, loving, fun and hopefully meaningful.¬† The only real “should” I abide in, is to love.¬† To let love trump fear.¬† In offering my story, the pretty and the ugly, hopefully, it may help someone else in some way.¬† When I do share my story, it is not to anger others, but it may.¬† I am human.¬† I do not hold anyone to a standard greater than being human.

In thinking about this prompting of sharing the whole truth, it made me think about why I feel that honesty is so important.¬† Why do I hold it above all else?¬† I have been lied to, been a liar, and believe that everyone does lie.¬† But in my relationships, I find being honest the highest form of respect.¬† I believe that when you lie, you take away another’s choices.¬† If you do not have all the facts, then it is hard to make a complete decision about anything.¬† I have figured out that I highly value free will.¬† Deception takes this ability to act on free will away.¬† We often decide to lie out of fear of being judged,¬† abandoned, or persecuted.¬† And also, out of fairness, we often do not want to hurt another person with how we might TRULY think or feel, or by what we may be doing.

These fears can stop us from sharing our whole self.¬† If we are insecure in ourselves, if we think we aren’t enough or that we are supposed to be everything to another, we might be hesitant to be transparent.¬† It is natural that we do not want to harm the ones we care about but aren’t we harming them when we are not real? When we hold back our true selves?

When we are comfortable in our own skin, we no longer seek the approval of those around us.  We no longer worry about sharing our thoughts, fears, highs or lows.  When we can trust OURSELF, we are free to be authentic.  To be honest.  Accepting yourself, helps us accept one another.

I will eventually share my story.¬† Or more of it.¬† What led me here.¬† What keeps me here.¬† What I’ve learned and changed along the way.¬† I will continue to pursue authentic connections.¬† I will continue to be honest…to myself most of all.¬† And to hope that by sharing pieces of myself and my life, I will offer value to those around me.

Be honest, be authentic.¬† It is ok to stand alone.¬† It is ok to think differently than the pack and not conform to what society says in how you must live your life.¬† Each one of us only gets to exist on this earth once (as far as I know), so live it as true to yourself as possible.¬† Even if that doesn’t work for others.¬† ¬†Only You are responsible for yourself.

Truth can be hard to accept, to hear.¬† To recognize when it is not present.¬† It can be challenging to risk loss, risk judgment, risk the fallout…but I will always ascribe to telling the truth.¬† Knowing that each of us is human; imperfect; it’s much easier to share the failures.¬† But it also makes the triumphs stand out more.

Look for more of my story, the highs, and lows that I will share as I continue to pursue authenticity and transparency.   I wish the same for you.  Share your story, be willing to be open to others.