Posted in NPD

Confusion

Thank you all so much for the comments and the support from this blogging community.  Most of you understand the point of posting about NPD.  But it seems there may be some confusion for some, so thought I’d clear that up.

As I’ve stated,  I started this blog as an outlet for my life experiences.  To help myself and other women find our best selves.  By sharing the good and the bad,  we help each other heal and grow. As women it can be hard to take care of ourselves, I want to offer ways to do that.

Life was moving in that direction very well, till I was found at a computer 2 weeks ago at my job.  Had I just said “no,  you can’t talk to me, no you can’t touch me, no don’t tell me you love me,”  maybe I’d not feel compelled to share the truth of what knowing a person with NPD is like.  Or what all the stages of a relationship with one is like.  But that did happen and as my posts have explained my world was rocked again.

I was minding my own business,  just doing my job when the Narc has to find me,  make sure I’m still a viable source of supply.  Those who know about NPD, know this was just out of their playbook.  I should’ve known better,  I do now.

So I write to say…if this is happening to you, get away asap!  Go absolutely no contact.   And if they make contact,  find a way to make it known.  Mostly to your world,  so your family and friends know how to help.

I choose to blog.  To share about NPD because it’s the story of my life.  I will share ANY time contact is made because I’m tired of not being left alone.  I’m tired of being called names, or lied about that I’m the one seeking contact.  I have made contact in the past, but not for awhile.  Since being in his house again, seeing the walls streaming with new “family” pics.  I don’t want anything to do with the Narc.  The psychologists here… maybe you have further insight into why I’m still being contacted; stalked, when I have moved on, supposedly the Narc has as well?  Why does he need to come “check on his ex?” Why “clear the air?”  Why the need to create more lies, when he knows there’s always proof to show the truth?

This is my blog.  My attempt to help others by sharing my life story.   If folks don’t like it… please rewatch the last video… you don’t have to read this.

Thank you, hopefully, confusion is cleared up.  I have moved on with my life,  now if only the Narcs in this world would leave me be.

PS: I wanted to update this…a great list of how to break away from this abuse:  https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2017/10/17/no-or-minimal-contact-is-more-like-a-personal-witness-protection-program-to-protect-yourself-from-the-damage-that-any-reconnection-with-a-narcissist-can-do-to-a-victim-2/

 

Posted in General

Letting go

This past week was all about letting go.  Letting go of the idea of who someone was.  Letting go of the memories and good times and finally, truly accepting who someone is.  Letting go of the thought that a friendship could occur in the context that person desired.  Letting go of the lies and telling the truth.

Learning to let go of someone you care about it is difficult.  Is gut-wrenching at times.  Creates sadness and frustration.  But what makes it easier; is to read and study about the type of abuse you have endured.  When folks tell you more than once, “it is like you are someone who is beaten, yet keeps going back,” you get a wake-up call.  I find it terrible that this is how anyone would see me.  Until this person, I would have never thought I could be an abuse victim.  And when that said person actually does threaten a gun and a knife, the wake-up call rings very loudly! Especially after a violent act has already been committed before.

But the more I read about Narcissistic Abuse, the more I and everyone around me knows this is what I have endured for the past 3+ years.   I am beyond grateful that I have children, family members and friends who have loved me enough to continue to fight to keep me away from this.  Who continued to listen and encourage me that this wasn’t right. I knew there was a reason I never lived with!  I am so grateful I didn’t actually bind my entire life to this.

So in the vein of moving on and letting go and living free, I want to encourage anyone who is going through this, to seek out help to get away from this kind of person.  It seems to be one of the more difficult abuse forms to get away from because there is no physical damage usually.  It is all mental and emotional.  I have read a lot of great books about this.  I sought out an abuse victims group and I have found numerous blogs that speak to this.  All have helped get me ready to finally let go and walk away.

And yet it has still been a challenge because he rarely stays away from me for long. The draw to control is high for these abusers.   So I thought I would post a few ideas that have been helpful for me to understand what I was dealing with and things I am doing as I move into a free place:

  1.  I found great books about Narcissistic Abuse.  One of my personal favorites has been: Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi.
  2. I have learned what a narcissist is.  They are selfish and self-absorbed.  There is no ability to actually feel real empathy and love.  They are master manipulators and are often very charming.  They are chameleons.  The irony about this, he told me himself he was a chameleon, perhaps I should have listened better.
  3. I read blogs.  I research ideas.  I seek out help to keep this type of monster from infiltrating again.  Joining online groups where you can chat with others who have suffered and overcome this, is invaluable.
  4. I walk A LOT!  Since I am still in surgical recovery, this is about all I should do these days.  But I have found that walking, even if on the treadmill, gets that blood flowing and promotes positive hormone levels that really help keep negative thoughts away.
  5. I STOP and REDIRECT any and all thoughts to something else when they arise.  I remind myself of the truth.  That this was a case of abuse, not love.  I repeat this over and over. reminding myself of all the nasty, horrible things rather than anything I thought was good.  I have to remember love is not harmful.
  6. I let go of wanting him to be a better person.  I no longer care. He can be someone else’s monster,  control them.  He’s no longer my monster.

I really hope that this experience helps someone else.  I think this next week will be better because I finally feel free.  I no longer believe any of the lies.

Letting go is hard.  When you are abused, you are kept down.  You are kept under someone else’s control and it can seem impossible to get away from.  Thankfully I was not physically harmed, although I want to hope that I would have immediately walked away from that if so.  But having this experience, I can not be sure.  Abuse is abuse.  It warps the way we think about love and creates a harm we have to fight to heal from.

Please seek help if this is happening to you.  We have this one life to live as free as possible.  I thought I was free from the chains, but I am learning that sometimes you have to slide down the hill to reshuffle your feet for the climb back up.  I am finding that footing again!  You can too!

Remember–narcissists cannot stand the light.  They hate to be “found out”, they are the ultimate liar…exposure sets you free.  Fear is their game, but our strength and desire to live free CAN be stronger!   Let’s keep helping each other Let go!

The BEST IS YET TO COME!

 

 

Posted in lists

Living in chains…6 ways to break free

Are you living behind bars?  Stuck in anger?  Stuck in pain? 

We all like to think we are in control of our own lives.  Often we are.  We make daily decisions about many things.  We take care of ourselves, families, homes, etc.  We hold down jobs and pay bills.  We plan activities, travel, pursue dreams.   But are you harboring anger against anyone?  Are you holding onto the wrongs that people have done to you…either real or imagined?   Do you see them out and about, or a picture of them, a Facebook post and you are instantly upset? Do you hear their voice and get anxiety?  Do you relive the wrongs and just can’t shake the anger?

When we live in a place of anger or hate…we are giving up control.  We are letting someone else have a power over us.  If just a thought or seeing them can bring up terrible feelings, they have the power.  They control our emotions.

I think many of us have heard this quote:  “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”–Buddha.   

This seems to be true.  I add to this in saying it’s as if you can see the poison seeping out of someone who is staying angry.  It makes you become bitter, mean and ugly.  One harboring anger looks angry.  They look unhappy, smile less.  I imagine they laugh less.  Their whole body seems to exhibit these frustrations.

In order to set yourself free from this bondage that has you, hostage, you have to WANT to let go of anger. We become comfortable in our anger.  It’s known.  We think it protects us from hurt.  Often thinking it can bring redemption from the pain, it will somehow make that person suffer the way you feel you are.  In my experience, continued focus on anger, pain and hurt, just created more pain for myself, not that other person.

About 6 weeks ago I decided to start a blog.  I really wanted to turn the experiences of my recent past into something positive.  I needed an outlet for all the thoughts that seemed to constantly fill my mind.  I have always loved to write and this appeared to be a way to pursue writing in a more concrete way.  August 21, Eclipse Day, was that day.  Something that day washed over me and created a shift in my mind and life.

Just a couple days prior to this, I had a conversation with my ex-fiance. We were yelling at each other, hanging up on each other, angry texting; back and forth; on repeat a few times.  Till eventually, we both calmed down and had a real conversation.  This was a pretty typical way we used to handle disagreements.

I am not even sure what precipitated the conversation that evening.  Perhaps it was feeling stuck in the prison we had created through the hurt and anger we had both caused.  We were both free from each other but still stuck behind bars of disgust, rage, feelings of injustice, shock, layers of anger and mixed in with love and loss.   As often happens when relationships finally come to an end.  Even more so when it was complicated by others and never fully closed.   Perhaps it was a desire to be understood.  A longing to forgive. A desire to be truly set free.

After hanging up, and thinking about what had just transpired, I was left with a deep desire to love my life again!  To let go of all the pain and hurt this person had caused. Over the next few days, I finally accepted that you can truly, deeply love someone but not want the type of life you would have with them.  That love isn’t the only thing you need to have a life together.  And it’s ok!  It made me take a very hard look at how I want to live my life and how I wasn’t doing that.  I was still living in a place bound up in pain.

So I stopped!  As the sun and moon passed each other for a moment, I too let my anger and love pass through me.  I decided to lay down the anger and hurt.  To stop hating anyone for the wrongs already done.  The list of those folks was not long but was enough to keep me bound.  To prevent me from living free and in peace.

Since that day, each day has been wonderful.  Not all day, every day, but I am content and happy every single day.  There are still sad moments.  There is still death and loss. Still frustrations and irritations. Children’s illnesses and issues to deal with.  Sufferings I desire to ease.  But anger, resentment, disgust are a part of my past.  Now when anger hits, I process it and attempt to clear it out quickly.  That may take a few days sometimes, but I am no longer in chains. I no longer STAY angry.

Bondage to another person who harmed us robs us of joy.  It prevents us from being our best selves and living our best life.  There is a true freedom when you realize and accept that hating someone else, staying angry at them is YOUR OWN problem.  No one else can fix this for you.  We are not in control of others, we can not prevent what they choose to do.  If they choose to cause harm, to hurt others, that is on them.  How we react is on us!

Another great quote: “To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it”-Confucius

I actually find great peace in knowing that I get to control MY reactions.  I CAN let go of the pain.  I CAN forgive wrongs that do not deserve to be forgiven.  I CAN behave in a way that honors who I desire to be.  I care about living a great life.  I want my children to see a smiling, full of life, loving, peaceful mom.  Not one who is ugly and mean because she hates others.   The freedom I have found since releasing the anger is shocking to me.  The peace I feel inside most of the time is addicting.  More addicting than the comfort I ever found in that prison of hate.

Even though 6 weeks is not that long, we all have to start somewhere.  We all have a Day One.  Each of has a jumping off point for any change we desire to undergo.  It is awesome to be able to say that I can see those that have wronged me and feel no more hurt or pain.  I can wave, smile or say hello and truly be free.

I thought perhaps I might give you a few tools to help you in letting go that worked for me.  These are not easy and not always possible, but these are some things that helped me stop drinking the poison, to break free from all that pain.

  1. I accepted who the person is.  I accepted that what I knew of them when I first met them, continued to be true.  I stopped expecting they would change.  I started to see that folks do not really change and it was on me that I wanted them to be something different than who they were.  I had left because I could not accept who they were, so why was this still making me upset that they had not changed?
  2. I stopped expecting any apologies.  If someone is sorry,  they say they are and try very hard to not cause the same harm.  Behaving remorseful when caught in a bad behavior is not the same as actually being sorry.  True remorse admits the mistake without prompting and doesn’t repeat it.  Even with apologies that I was given, if the same hurt was repeated, then the apologies meant nothing, but it no longer matters.  I don’t need an apology to forgive. Forgiveness is my action.
  3. I accepted my part in the process. That I allowed this person into my life who hurt me multiple times.  That because I had continued to come back even after that first harm, I showed how I wanted to be treated.  I showed that I didn’t care enough about myself to demand better treatment.  I am not saying I was to blame for any wrongdoing on the other side, but we have to own our part in what we allow to harm us.  Each of us DOES have a choice.  Sometimes that requires additional help to get out of a mess, but this is our one life, we can’t make others responsible for our choices.
  4. I learned to set boundaries.  I no longer allow the same harm to continue.  Know that you are responsible for what you put up with.  If you’re with someone who’s hurt you,  lied to you,  cheated on you, etc. and you stay after the first time, either leave or accept that’s your life.  Disrespect doesn’t turn into respect.  Once a person knows they can break your boundaries,  which you’ve proven they can by you staying, there’s no reason for them to ever keep them.  Setting boundaries is hard.  It takes work, it takes strength and it takes resolve to keep them.  Especially when someone uses the “love card” to break them.  Respect honors boundaries.  Showing respect is part of loving another.
  5. I removed the offender(s) from my life.  Deleted numbers. Deleted old correspondence.  Erased the tangible memories that are easy to refer back to at times of anger that flare up. I applied this to anyone that I was holding anger with.  I am not rude if I see those that have wronged me, I am able to be kind.  But that is about me, who I want to be.  Not about them.
  6. I focused on my life.  On what I wanted my future to look like.  On the fact that those who keep you in chains, like you there.  They like to be in control.  And that by staying angry or hurt,  I was letting them have control.  I wasn’t living the best way I could.  And that wasn’t their fault anymore.  I had a responsibility to myself and holding onto hurt, anger, the pain was robbing me from that.  I do not follow what they do with their life, I just live my own.  And attempt to enjoy as much as I can.

These are a few things I did since that August day that has changed my outlook.  Have changed my life.  Have begun to heal the pains and allowed me to move on.  The shift has brought peace and I am loving my life again!

Sometimes these take practice.  There are moments I have to repeat these and try again.  Forgiveness and letting go of anger take times.  It’s not an overnight process.  Applying new techniques to living your life, takes work.  And there is no real foolproof plan of what will work for you…these are the things that worked for me.  That when I forget, I refer back to.  We are all a work in progress…keep trying.

Let go.  Live your best life.

Posted in General

Sideways…

I was going to start a new series today…but you know how sometimes the day can go sideways on you…that is my day today.   Not in a negative way, just in a distracted, busy kind of way.   There are family members I rarely see in town, school and sports commitments I had not planned on and attempts to get back into a workout routine after back surgery that is taking more out of me than I want to admit.

So as I sit down to write, I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all I have not accomplished today.  When feeling this way, how do you approach these thoughts?  Do you evaluate if the mental or actual lists are realistic?  Rational?  Do you check to see if all of these items are necessary to get done today?

Here were the goals for today:

  • On my writing days, my plan is to upload a post by 8am.  OK.  Great plan.  Reality; I am driving kids to school at 8am.  Before that, I am waking kids up, helping with breakfast, drinking some coffee and getting lunches made.  Perhaps this is an unrealistic goal for myself unless I want to write the night before.
  • I want to workout every day.  I prefer to workout when I wake up, but seeing as I want to write a post and need to get kiddos off to school first thing in the morning and I do not work a “normal” Mon-Fri 9-5shift…I need to ask myself is this truly possible?  Today the workout meant a walk around 930am.  Recovering from back surgery has been going slower than I thought it would.  I can not expect to be hitting the gym like before, not yet.  Just doing the Physical Therapy exercises can leave me tired.
  • Work on house chores and laundry.  Ok, this is getting done. Laundry is started. Some yard work was done.  The list has items crossed off, just slowly.  After the walk, I visited with family.   My chores will be here, but out of town family won’t be here every day.

We tend to want it ALL done NOW.  We want to meet our daily goals.  We want to feel we have accomplished something each day.  Part of learning to take care of ourselves is learning how to set realistic, attainable goals. As we reach them, we adjust them.  We can move the finish lines.  But we also have to learn how to roll with the unexpected.  To stop and visit with that friend we ran into at the store that seems to need to talk.  Take the time for that cup of coffee and visit with the family you rarely get to see that is in town.  Run the errand the kiddo unexpectedly asked you to do.

So, I am not starting the new series today.  Instead, I am learning to not freak out when the day does not go as planned; when it goes sideways as I call it…that is part of the growth of self-care.  I still struggle with learning to breathe, to smile, to see the unexpected as opportunities rather than annoyances. But I desire to be better at letting the lists go.  To enjoy the surprises.  That it is ok to “stop and smell the roses” along the way.  Or in my case…the tulips as these are my favorites!

What goals did you have for today?  Were they attainable?  Realistic?  Did you accomplish them?  If your day went sideways, did you see this as a good or bad thing? Are you learning to let go and roll with the unexpected?

Till next time.  I have to go run that errand now.  And more family time ahead.  I am going to enjoy these moments…they don’t come around too often.  🙂