Posted in General, NPD

Forgiveness

This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.

BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.

I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.

These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.

Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.

I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.

And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.

So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.

Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.

Posted in quotes

Just some quotes I found

Wednesday’s are often a rough day. Positive and negative energies are usually expanded in my home in extra measure on this day of the week. These quotes just spoke to me tonight. I have been meeting new people, connecting with old friends and processing moments of loss… a lot lately. Thought I would briefly share.

Posted in General

Tough moments

Some days are harder than others.  We all have good days and bad.  We have moments of sadness, loneliness, and longing.  We have moments that we can’t stop laughing, smiling or just plain joy that fills us up.  Today has been a mixture of all those things.  It’s many many months later and sometimes I am overwhelmed with the loss of missing someone I loved beyond reason.  Most days I love my life, but there are moments that I struggle like everyone else…today, today I am holding onto this thought I wrote a while ago when thinking about this:

“I am so in love with this beautiful life, in the midst of chaos or calm, good or bad, tears or joy; may I always see the beauty that is my life.” (JSD) 

Wherever you are tonight, I hope you know that you are not alone.  This life is not a journey that any of us really do alone; we are all connected.  We are just in different stages of going through something.  Whether we are at the beginning, middle or end, each stage offers a new opportunity to learn and grow.

I am not sure why I am at the particular moment I am in, but I do believe it is to make me the best version of myself possible.  There is still something I am to learn that will help me in the future.  I am going to choose to be thankful for all the lessons, even when I can not understand the why’s.

I hope that you are so in love with your life, whether it’s a good day or bad.  No matter if it is calm or chaotic, your heart is heavy or light, that you wake up each day grateful for another chance to ride this ride.

Posted in General

Death and sadness

It’s been awhile since I have posted.  Even now, as I type this I am not sure I truly have much to say.  But I am trying to see writing as a break more than needing a break from it.  It has often been a balm to my soul, so I attempt to share some of that now.

In this past week, a great sadness has rocked me.  Has shaken me enough to ponder; what is the point?  What is the point of this life?  The struggle?  Not really in the melodramatic way it seems I am viewing it, but more in what are we doing with our lives and is it making an impact in the way it “should”?  Is what I am doing here, on this planet, making a difference in some way that is worth my time, energy and soul?

My heart is heavy. My soul is sad. My body is tired. I am too young for the melancholy that I have allowed to seep in these past few days or perhaps longer. I sit and watch others;  strangers or those I love or have loved and see that we are all just one moment from death. We know not the moment unless we take that action ourselves. And if we do, what are we left with? What happens to those we leave behind?

Death takes people, every day, but when it’s done by one’s own hand, I think there is a loss so great to those left behind, that it is beyond our comprehension to understand it.  We are left with so many questions, so many wonderings if we somehow could have changed the outcome.  There is no closure and as humans, we like things wrapped up.  We like to know the whys of things,  it’s part of our greatness. It drives us to come up with amazing innovations and solutions to problems.  But when we don’t get the why, when we are not able to discern another’s thoughts and reasonings, we are left with an even greater loss as we are not able to attribute death’s taking to a rational cause.

Grief is a tough state to bear.  It’s time-consuming, soul-crushing, heavy.  At this time, I am still pondering what is the point?  The knowledge that death is all around us, every day, it is in my own selfishness that I can see we are often unaffected till it hits close to home, till it’s our loved ones, family or friends that cause us to truly be impacted.  Perhaps this is just me, but we often go through life unaffected by those we do not know or care about it.

I am wondering if that is the point of this moment; to be woken up to a greater impact we must make in this life.  To see my one life as greater than this tiny bubble I inhabit and reach beyond the grief and loss we all experience, let it fuel a fire to be a difference maker.  To take the losses of this life and become greater because of them.  As my theme continues, to be our best selves…

These quotes are so very true.... LOSING A FAMILY MEMBER TO SUICIDE: “A person never truly gets ‘over’ a suicide loss. You get through it. Day by day. Sometimes it’s moment by moment.” — Holly Kohler. When someone in your family commits suicide, your entire mindset about life is changed and although your family's world is sadly changed, you learn about the importance of love and you learn to value every day that you have on this Earth.

This hit me as well as important to remember; may we always step up…not necessarily in just the losses.

For those grieving from a suicide loss♥ | Quotes | Pinterest

Have to make a plug for this service:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-8255 

Posted in General

Connected Shelters

The sun is shining here in the northwest today.  The air is crisp but not too cold.  A perfect day for a run.  A mellow day at home,  working on chores,  writing,  relaxing.  A good kind of day.

But as the world often does,  it smacks us with pain and sorrow when we least expect it.  I received news this afternoon from a friend of a tragedy in their world.  And my heart breaks.

I am struck with the way we are connected when we love and care for others.  That once someone truly has a piece of our hearts,  we can’t fully ever get it back and there’s a bond that even time and distance doesn’t fully sever.

Now we don’t have to act upon this bond.  Sometimes we let that piece go,  forgetting we ever gave it away.  When the universe shows us the link,  we don’t have to answer the call.

But sometimes I think the universe reminds us were all connected.  I had sent a message to this friend earlier today,  asking if something was up.  Having no way to know,  that yes,  indeed, something was going on.   These are the moments when I’m shown that when you decide folks are a part of your tribe,  it’s possibly binding.  That perhaps there was a reason I felt the need to contact this friend; today.

As I grieve for my friend and wish to send positive thoughts, I heard this song:
Brother by Need to Breathe.  This song resonated with me as I think of the ties that bind us.  The ways we remain connected.   And I thought I would share the chorus:

Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

I have heard this song many times before, but today it hit me a little differently as I was thinking about how we are to be shelters for one another.  We are to carry each other’s burdens and share the load.  We are not designed to live this life in a bubble alone, we need others. We need brothers. Sisters.  Sometimes we need to lean on one another.

May you hug your loved ones a little tighter this evening.  May you be a fortress in a storm for those that need you to be.  And may we show love to each other, every day.