Posted in NPD

Narcissist Drama

I have been watching the stats on my site for quite some time now and the most read posts are those about NPD abuse.  I thought that as I moved forward; away from this chapter of my life; writing more about self care this would become less but that does not seem to be the case.  I know this is a still an important topic to discuss.

So I thought I would write something new about NPD in hopes to continue to educate and encourage anyone going through this type of relationship.  Or for those that are on the other side of the abuse but may still need information from time to time.

And one area that I may not have touched on before is the Drama that the Narc thrives on.  The more of it the better.  The more chaos they can create for the primary source, secondary or even one discarded; the more supply they receive.  If the Narc can create drama for you; they get validated somehow.  One who is healthy usually wishes to avoid drama, so this is tough to comprehend.

But when I think of a Narc, my view is that of a flea.  A nasty, annoying little mite that can not survive without a host.  We itch and claw to make them go away.   We watch our pets scratch and shake in attempt to get rid of these. And we put special medication on them to help them.  Just like our pets need our help, we have to help each other in staying the healthy course.  We have to learn some new ways of coping and how to avoid the drama the Narc creates.

So I thought we should explore some ways to combat the drama that might occur when the Narc makes contact. When (NOT IF), the Narc makes contact; we have a choice.  No matter how much time has gone by; no matter if they have moved on; are “committed” to someone else; you are committed to someone else; you have relocated, had no contact for over a year or more; the Narc will make contact.

When the contact is made you may not feel like you had any choices in that moment.  You may be confused as to how they were even able to call you, see you, email you.  You may have felt that you were insulated in your new world.  You might feel, as I did, that the length of time of no contact meant a true moving on.  But don’t let that confusion derail you from the path you are on now. Don’t spend too much time on the how or why.  That doesn’t really matter.

What matters is continuing to focus on your own health.  On your current situation and circumstances.  If you are in a healthy relationship now, continue to thrive.  If you are working on getting healthy and the Narc has broken your no contact boundaries; it’s a reset moment.  It is not a failure on your part!

Here are a few ways to stop the Narc from creating drama in your world:

  1. Tell everyone when they have made contact.  Do not stay silent.  Do not hide the contact from your new, healthy partner, your family and friends.  You did nothing wrong. You need the support of those around you to stay the course.
  2.  Do not give it too much thought and attention.  Let the dark cloud this creates roll past you quickly.  Stay focused on all your progress and the healthy life you have now.
  3.  If need be; re-block phone numbers, emails, any contact information. Change your contact information, like you phone number or email address if need be. Move if you need to.  DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE SAFE.
  4. Continue to do the things you enjoy.  DO NOT let the Narc win by confusing your mind.  DO NOT let them live rent free in your head!  (thanks babe for that piece of advice)
  5. Re-evaluate your boundaries and be very clear (with yourself) on the consequences if they are broken.  That may mean knowing how to initiate a restraining order.  That may mean contacting your HR department at work.  Installing cameras around your home.  Alerting the authorities to a stalker situation.

You do not have to be dragged into the drama these folks wish to create.  You are healthy now.  You have choices.  You have boundaries.  And when these are broken, think of these ways to stop the dam from bursting.  Know that you are not alone.  You have strong men and women who have gone before you; who are in this with you and you can continue to move on.

Drama is not a part of our world anymore!

Posted in General

Happy 4th (one day late)

Today in America we celebrate our independence as a nation. It’s one of my favorite celebrations. It’s a big day of family, laughter, games, bbq, food and fireworks. Fireworks are one of my favorite things. Each one that lights up the sky I’m in awe of. I understand how they are made and that fireworks are not all that safe, but they are spectacular, vibrant and beautiful.

This year I’m not thinking so much about the awesome fireworks or all the festivities that go on here today, but pondering what this day represents.

Independence. Freedom. Hard fought freedom.

And as I’m embracing this new chapter in my life, I can’t help but think about how often we have to fight through some battles of our own to get to a place of independence and freedom in our lives. We battle emotions. Sometimes we tussle with others. We struggle with ourselves in an effort to succeed, without realizing that we can create obstacles we didn’t need.

Learning oneself. Learning what you need to thrive. Your own strengths and weaknesses. Being able to grow, change, become better; these can bring a freedom in our lives. The more we battle our own demons, insecurities and shortcomings, the more freedom is in our grasp.

Breaking free from the narc’s cycle of abuse, realizing what I needed to work on in my own self and growing through trials, has brought an incredible sense of freedom. Freedom that allows me to know what healthy looks like. What a healthy relationship looks like. To know independence that doesn’t need to be apologized for. And a sense of joy like I’ve never experienced.

As an American, we’re taught how about our history and the battles our forefathers endured. Let us remember, each individual has their own unique battle to fight through. Keep going. You are not alone. Freedom awaits.

There truly is cause to celebrate!

Posted in General

Letting go

This past week was all about letting go.  Letting go of the idea of who someone was.  Letting go of the memories and good times and finally, truly accepting who someone is.  Letting go of the thought that a friendship could occur in the context that person desired.  Letting go of the lies and telling the truth.

Learning to let go of someone you care about it is difficult.  Is gut-wrenching at times.  Creates sadness and frustration.  But what makes it easier; is to read and study about the type of abuse you have endured.  When folks tell you more than once, “it is like you are someone who is beaten, yet keeps going back,” you get a wake-up call.  I find it terrible that this is how anyone would see me.  Until this person, I would have never thought I could be an abuse victim.  And when that said person actually does threaten a gun and a knife, the wake-up call rings very loudly! Especially after a violent act has already been committed before.

But the more I read about Narcissistic Abuse, the more I and everyone around me knows this is what I have endured for the past 3+ years.   I am beyond grateful that I have children, family members and friends who have loved me enough to continue to fight to keep me away from this.  Who continued to listen and encourage me that this wasn’t right. I knew there was a reason I never lived with!  I am so grateful I didn’t actually bind my entire life to this.

So in the vein of moving on and letting go and living free, I want to encourage anyone who is going through this, to seek out help to get away from this kind of person.  It seems to be one of the more difficult abuse forms to get away from because there is no physical damage usually.  It is all mental and emotional.  I have read a lot of great books about this.  I sought out an abuse victims group and I have found numerous blogs that speak to this.  All have helped get me ready to finally let go and walk away.

And yet it has still been a challenge because he rarely stays away from me for long. The draw to control is high for these abusers.   So I thought I would post a few ideas that have been helpful for me to understand what I was dealing with and things I am doing as I move into a free place:

  1.  I found great books about Narcissistic Abuse.  One of my personal favorites has been: Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi.
  2. I have learned what a narcissist is.  They are selfish and self-absorbed.  There is no ability to actually feel real empathy and love.  They are master manipulators and are often very charming.  They are chameleons.  The irony about this, he told me himself he was a chameleon, perhaps I should have listened better.
  3. I read blogs.  I research ideas.  I seek out help to keep this type of monster from infiltrating again.  Joining online groups where you can chat with others who have suffered and overcome this, is invaluable.
  4. I walk A LOT!  Since I am still in surgical recovery, this is about all I should do these days.  But I have found that walking, even if on the treadmill, gets that blood flowing and promotes positive hormone levels that really help keep negative thoughts away.
  5. I STOP and REDIRECT any and all thoughts to something else when they arise.  I remind myself of the truth.  That this was a case of abuse, not love.  I repeat this over and over. reminding myself of all the nasty, horrible things rather than anything I thought was good.  I have to remember love is not harmful.
  6. I let go of wanting him to be a better person.  I no longer care. He can be someone else’s monster,  control them.  He’s no longer my monster.

I really hope that this experience helps someone else.  I think this next week will be better because I finally feel free.  I no longer believe any of the lies.

Letting go is hard.  When you are abused, you are kept down.  You are kept under someone else’s control and it can seem impossible to get away from.  Thankfully I was not physically harmed, although I want to hope that I would have immediately walked away from that if so.  But having this experience, I can not be sure.  Abuse is abuse.  It warps the way we think about love and creates a harm we have to fight to heal from.

Please seek help if this is happening to you.  We have this one life to live as free as possible.  I thought I was free from the chains, but I am learning that sometimes you have to slide down the hill to reshuffle your feet for the climb back up.  I am finding that footing again!  You can too!

Remember–narcissists cannot stand the light.  They hate to be “found out”, they are the ultimate liar…exposure sets you free.  Fear is their game, but our strength and desire to live free CAN be stronger!   Let’s keep helping each other Let go!