Posted in NPD

Narcissist Drama

I have been watching the stats on my site for quite some time now and the most read posts are those about NPD abuse.  I thought that as I moved forward; away from this chapter of my life; writing more about self care this would become less but that does not seem to be the case.  I know this is a still an important topic to discuss.

So I thought I would write something new about NPD in hopes to continue to educate and encourage anyone going through this type of relationship.  Or for those that are on the other side of the abuse but may still need information from time to time.

And one area that I may not have touched on before is the Drama that the Narc thrives on.  The more of it the better.  The more chaos they can create for the primary source, secondary or even one discarded; the more supply they receive.  If the Narc can create drama for you; they get validated somehow.  One who is healthy usually wishes to avoid drama, so this is tough to comprehend.

But when I think of a Narc, my view is that of a flea.  A nasty, annoying little mite that can not survive without a host.  We itch and claw to make them go away.   We watch our pets scratch and shake in attempt to get rid of these. And we put special medication on them to help them.  Just like our pets need our help, we have to help each other in staying the healthy course.  We have to learn some new ways of coping and how to avoid the drama the Narc creates.

So I thought we should explore some ways to combat the drama that might occur when the Narc makes contact. When (NOT IF), the Narc makes contact; we have a choice.  No matter how much time has gone by; no matter if they have moved on; are “committed” to someone else; you are committed to someone else; you have relocated, had no contact for over a year or more; the Narc will make contact.

When the contact is made you may not feel like you had any choices in that moment.  You may be confused as to how they were even able to call you, see you, email you.  You may have felt that you were insulated in your new world.  You might feel, as I did, that the length of time of no contact meant a true moving on.  But don’t let that confusion derail you from the path you are on now. Don’t spend too much time on the how or why.  That doesn’t really matter.

What matters is continuing to focus on your own health.  On your current situation and circumstances.  If you are in a healthy relationship now, continue to thrive.  If you are working on getting healthy and the Narc has broken your no contact boundaries; it’s a reset moment.  It is not a failure on your part!

Here are a few ways to stop the Narc from creating drama in your world:

  1. Tell everyone when they have made contact.  Do not stay silent.  Do not hide the contact from your new, healthy partner, your family and friends.  You did nothing wrong. You need the support of those around you to stay the course.
  2.  Do not give it too much thought and attention.  Let the dark cloud this creates roll past you quickly.  Stay focused on all your progress and the healthy life you have now.
  3.  If need be; re-block phone numbers, emails, any contact information. Change your contact information, like you phone number or email address if need be. Move if you need to.  DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE SAFE.
  4. Continue to do the things you enjoy.  DO NOT let the Narc win by confusing your mind.  DO NOT let them live rent free in your head!  (thanks babe for that piece of advice)
  5. Re-evaluate your boundaries and be very clear (with yourself) on the consequences if they are broken.  That may mean knowing how to initiate a restraining order.  That may mean contacting your HR department at work.  Installing cameras around your home.  Alerting the authorities to a stalker situation.

You do not have to be dragged into the drama these folks wish to create.  You are healthy now.  You have choices.  You have boundaries.  And when these are broken, think of these ways to stop the dam from bursting.  Know that you are not alone.  You have strong men and women who have gone before you; who are in this with you and you can continue to move on.

Drama is not a part of our world anymore!

Posted in NPD

Road to healing

Recovery from NPD abuse is an ongoing and committed effort.  Blogging about it all is hopefully providing some education and benefiting the recovery process for you all as it is for me.

Now that I have finally accepted that No Contact is the only way to move forward, as every single article, book, video, and blog have all stated, I have started to see real healing.

As I’ve shared,  I work at the same place at the same time as my Narc.  Our workplace is big,  so it’s not often we run into each other and I can do things to help facilitate that.  Park in different places, use different entrances, arrive and leave at different times,  basically never really keep a routine that is easy to track.  But some things you can’t change,  like being on the same committees or teams or being in the common areas at the same time.  I’m fortunate that these don’t require any real interaction and I’m not subjected to even having to look at him. But when I do see him,  I have to occasionally, less and less these days,  remind myself of who he is.

Part of why recovery is soo challenging after an abusive relationship is because our brains have been rewired some.  Being with a narc creates a drug type attachment or need. They are the best manipulators, so great in fact that even when we feel the abuse when we hear the lies when we are confronted with truths, we still choose to be with them. Somehow we ignore our gut instinct that something is not right.  So when we do start to break away,  often the withdrawals are great and that can lead to going back,  again and again.  We will explore that more next week.

In my case,  in order to break the cycle,  I had to get very real with what exactly would I be going back to.  What really would I miss about this person?  Is what they offer me, really worth the pain they bring as well?  Who exactly would I be getting?  Answering these I realized; I’d be getting a man who is a liar. Who less than a couple of hours of leaving his live-in girlfriend,  would be touching me, asking to make love to me, telling me he loves me.  A man who thinks nothing of having the old supply over to his place where he lives with the new supply.  A man who blames others when he doesn’t succeed how he thinks he should.  A man who thinks nothing of taking things that aren’t his.  Of threatening or actually committing crimes.  None of this was nor is, someone I’d want to be bound too or be associated with.  My instinct of not being proud to be on his arm was accurate.   These are the questions I have repeatedly asked and answered as I have started jogging down that recovery path.

Healing begins,  at least in my opinion,  when you go no contact,  when you get through the withdrawal and once you can truly see the person for who they are.  When you accept that you loved the mask,  not the face.  The face is the liar, cheater, abuser; the mask is the smiling, charming chameleon.  Once this is accepted,  healing and moving into an incredible transformation can begin.

As we work towards becoming our best selves, sometimes we have to face hard truths.  Recognizing the things we may struggle with, the areas that we are not to sure we want to evaluate, and the facts about ourselves or others, is tough.  It can be like cleaning a wound, getting the dirt and grime out hurts, but once we do so, we begin to see them scab then scar over.

I am starting to see the scar, rather than the open wound.  I wanted to trust he was who claimed.  I wanted to believe it was love.  I wanted to believe he was not all the things he repeatedly showed me he was.  I wanted to believe the lie.  The truth of loving a Narc was much harder to face.  Cleansing the wound and facing those truths have been painful and a challenge.  But the joy that returns when you start to heal, is worth it.

Let’s keep on the road to healing.  Keep on the path to becoming our best selves and who we want to be!  And when it feels challenging or unbearable, have a set of questions that you ask yourself and answer them honestly.  Get real with what or who you are having to recover from.

Till next time…