Posted in NPD

Updated NPD post–A Recovering Narc Victim

I have been debating writing this post. I wrote at the end of the year about wanting to move this blog towards a new place, away from this topic.  But this topic still seems relevant and many of you read or reread the NPD posts so I thought I would provide a sort of “update” on this topic.  I am at a very different place than when I first started blogging about this.  But even with where I’m at now, I still struggle at times. There are still remnants; pieces that are misshapen and need tender care. There are moments of confusion and questioning myself.

I like to think because I’m healthy, have no contact with the narc and am in love and in a healthy relationship that I was all “healed” from the damage. But the truth is, being a victim of any abuse leaves you scared.  Leaves you with moments of doubt and uncertainty.

When you have been a narcissists supply, you have been deceived in a hideous, insidious way. You essentially have your brain warped; mind f’d we call it. The wires have to (in some ways) be reprogrammed to think normally again. And I’m not sure how long that takes.

So I thought I would write what this recovering looks like to me. I am not any authority on abuse or know what you need if in this situation, so please seek help if you are in danger. But I do know what I’ve studied and gone through after experiencing narcissistic abuse. What I’ve done to get healthy and perhaps some of these things can help you as well.

My steps of recovery:

1. Recognizing what abuse is. Reading and studying about narcissistic abuse. The more I learned the more power I developed to fight my mind when it wanted to believe the opposite. When I wanted to think there was actual love there, I had to unlearn the things he made me believe were love.

2. Listening to the voice that says this isn’t right. That gut instinct. The isolation from family and friends, how you’re spoken to, the hot/cold moods, the insistence to please and the forceful ways in which you are made to do so. None of that was okay. And you’re gut almost always knows this. I’ve learned to listen to it now.

3. Absolute zero contact. I read over and over how vital this is to healing and would agree. I blocked, deleted and made sure to avoid any places where any contact would be likely. I’m lucky I was able to follow through. The narc didn’t respect those boundaries all the time, but what matters is that I follow that. Often as the victim we don’t know how to sever the tie and because our brain has been messed up, we become addicted to the abuser. Zero contact was the hardest but most effective action for healing.

4. Journaling and writing about it all helped me feel less alone. Helped me understand more of this type of abuser and gave me a voice I didn’t have in any other way. And writing is a fabulous outlet to help process all the emotions you’re not sure how to handle. Sometimes just getting them out even if to just tear it up helps release those feelings that you have no where else to put them.

5. I focused on my health and creating a life I loved. I didn’t stay focused on the losses. Or the abuse. I would give it thought, write about it and then move onto something else. I read all the time. Kept busy with friends and tried to stay busy.  I became physically active to help in releasing all those happy endorphins; to keep myself positive.

Each of us has to do what we can to heal from abuse. Hopefully we choose to heal and move on in a healthy way. My process has worked for me. And yet I still have moments where I see more work to be done. The wounds are long scared over but they are still there. If you’re in the open wound or scabbed over stage, I recommend seeking help. Be part of a community that will support your healing. Take ideas from others. Read. Write. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. But one you can recover from and move forward to build a beautiful life.

Posted in General

Happy 4th (one day late)

Today in America we celebrate our independence as a nation. It’s one of my favorite celebrations. It’s a big day of family, laughter, games, bbq, food and fireworks. Fireworks are one of my favorite things. Each one that lights up the sky I’m in awe of. I understand how they are made and that fireworks are not all that safe, but they are spectacular, vibrant and beautiful.

This year I’m not thinking so much about the awesome fireworks or all the festivities that go on here today, but pondering what this day represents.

Independence. Freedom. Hard fought freedom.

And as I’m embracing this new chapter in my life, I can’t help but think about how often we have to fight through some battles of our own to get to a place of independence and freedom in our lives. We battle emotions. Sometimes we tussle with others. We struggle with ourselves in an effort to succeed, without realizing that we can create obstacles we didn’t need.

Learning oneself. Learning what you need to thrive. Your own strengths and weaknesses. Being able to grow, change, become better; these can bring a freedom in our lives. The more we battle our own demons, insecurities and shortcomings, the more freedom is in our grasp.

Breaking free from the narc’s cycle of abuse, realizing what I needed to work on in my own self and growing through trials, has brought an incredible sense of freedom. Freedom that allows me to know what healthy looks like. What a healthy relationship looks like. To know independence that doesn’t need to be apologized for. And a sense of joy like I’ve never experienced.

As an American, we’re taught how about our history and the battles our forefathers endured. Let us remember, each individual has their own unique battle to fight through. Keep going. You are not alone. Freedom awaits.

There truly is cause to celebrate!

Posted in General, NPD

Forgiveness

This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.

BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.

I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.

These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.

Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.

I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.

And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.

So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.

Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.

Posted in NPD

Lessons Learned

How do you see your life choices? Do you view mistakes or painful memories as a regret or a lesson? Do you focus on the negative aspects of those moments or allow them to fuel you to a better life?

I tend to be a lesson viewer myself. More often than not, I do not regret things. Figuring that experiences are just part of our life journey and even the ones that I might not do again, I wouldn’t change either. Trying to see it all as part of my life adventure and evaluate all; good and bad, to help me be a better person.

These past 4 years have taught me so much. About humanity. About abuse. About love and myself. I have no desire to go through these years again, but I can see value in what transpired that serves me well now.

Here is a list of things I’ve learned from being attached and detached to a narcissist:
1. What real love is and is not. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is,” seems the best way to sum this up. Love is not something easily forgotten or transferred from person to person. Real love is not fleeting, not fake and not abusive. Real love is an action, not a word. The Narc doesn’t know what love is, so looking for it with one, will leave us depleted. Real love starts with self. Knowing that we are worthy of love. This experience showed me what real love is supposed to look like; by showing the opposite. Lesson learned.
2. How terrifying abuse can be. Being called names, bullied into submission, having someone use their physical stature to intimidate, all of those things are not loving and not ok. If it goes as far as physical pain, property damage or ignored boundaries, this is not loving and abusive and necessary to get away from. We should never be afraid of someone who claims to love us. We should never fear for our children, family or self-safety. Abuse comes in many forms, I’m thankful to have learned the signs, now I know what type of person to stay away from.
3. How resilient humans are. How fantastic our desire is to be better today than yesterday. How even when someone wishes to tear you down, you can rise above. That we are capable of so much more than we even know and sometimes it takes getting away from someone that is bad for us, to discover our greatness. To see our true selves. To create an even better existence than before. There is freedom on the other side of it all. I thought I was strong before, but coming through this, I know I’m even stronger.
4. The awesome power of silence. When we stay silent, we have time to gather our thoughts. To assess what we have learned and what we can do moving forward. Silence brings a lot of reflection and allows one to move past the pain and abuse and be even greater. And silence allows one to regain control. Remember Narcs only care about supply, staying silent does not allow them to get any more from you. Silence is a mighty sword. Use it for peace and protection.
5. The healing power of forgiveness. I apply this to self-forgiveness. (Forgiveness for others we will discuss at another time) When we recognize the guilt and shame that we carry because of allowing ourselves to be fooled, abused and lied to; we can start to heal. We have to learn to let go of what has happened and forgive ourselves for being there in the first place. Forgive the part that believed the lies and accepted less than deserved. Forgive the part of us that desired love so much that we were vulnerable to a narc. When we recognize our own need for self love, when we accept that we were prey to a narc, not because of something that we did, but because of that part that loves others well, we can learn to turn that love to ourself and heal.

Our past experiences can teach us so many things when we want to observe from the present moment. From the place of self-care rather than anger or sadness. Our mistakes often can lead us to beautiful places, if we stop to observe them. Learn from them. No regrets. Just valuable lessons.

Posted in NPD

Resources

For those that read this blog to help them get through NPD and the abuse that comes with loving a Narc,  I thought I would give you a few of the blogs that I have found and devoured in learning about this and have proven very helpful for me.  I am a reader so having something tangible to read, is a great source of therapy.  Writing about it all has been another.  Here’s to healing!

This blog and site are written by a Narcissist.   His words are spot on, many of the blog posts I have read have been just about exact/verbatim to my experience.  It’s truly a scary thought how well he seems to know the guy I dealt with.
https://narcsite.com/   


and a couple specific posts:
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/98547045/posts/13924

https://narcsite.com/2017/04/30/vulnerable-2/

This is a blog I have referenced before, worth it to add it as a continued reference.
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/

And this is another blog that explores many different psychology topics, sometimes about narcissism that I think are well written and helpful:
https://makeitultrapsychology.wordpress.com/

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/106156040/posts/27459

I will still blog the healing journey as it is relevant, as more time of No Contact goes by, but for now, it seems healthier to end this topic.  To stop giving the narc anymore of my time.  He didn’t deserve it before, even less so now.  Even these blogs I reference recommend to stop dwelling on it.  I am finally at that point of believing I’m better off and dodged a bullet.  Here’s to continued recovery and happier life.  

Hope these help,  when you need it.