Posted in General, NPD

Getting Real

When I can’t sleep too well, I tend to write.

Earlier I was reading through the past couple months of posts and wow, I live up to the Blog Name…I have lots of words to say.¬† ūüôā¬† As I was re-reading some of these posts, I was struck by¬†how much growth there has been and how much more I still have to do.¬† I don’t think we ever “arrive”, always striving for better but we should be able to see progress.

And the truth is, today, today it’s tough to feel progress.¬† Now I know that feelings are not indicative of reality necessarily so I italicized that.¬† The¬†reason is that I do know there has been progression regardless that I do not feel it today as this week was just a particularly tough week.

In reading past posts, I see the ups and downs of my feelings towards letting go, moving forward, telling the truth, and gaining knowledge.  I also see that what I have been learning has been helpful for myself and others.  How sharing my experience has value and shows others they are not alone in this.

But I wanted to get even more real today…I still struggle!¬† Not every day, not all day, but some days are worse than others.

I realized this week that the reality of the situation is that it has only been 6 weeks since No Contact has been enacted (this time).  It was 6 weeks ago I received the last threatening phone call.  Less than 2 months ago, I was still being called baby and told I love you.  Attempts to get physical still being made.  The hoovering was extreme and ongoing for far too long.  And really since we have met, we have never gone more than 6weeks without contact.

If I am real with myself, this is probably part of the reason this week was tough.¬† I have finally realized that I do not want my joy stolen.¬† I do not wish to be hoovered ever again.¬† I don’t want this type of person in my life, so that part of me that has become addicted to our cycle is having to accept the withdrawal.¬† And having to demand from myself that No Contact is the only way I will ever get past this.

Before I was involved in this type of relationship, I really didn’t understand how people could stay or go back to someone who intentionally harmed them.¬† As I am more educated on how our brains are affected and re-wired some, plus the dependency that is created, I am learning how hard it is to break away.¬† How hard recovery and healing is.¬† I personally desire to say it’s not hard at all.¬† That I’m fine,¬† completely over it all.¬† But that isn’t true. The truth is I loved, possibly will always love in some ways, a man who was terrible for me and to me.¬† He does not know how to truly love because Narc’s do not have that ability.¬† I understand the role I played for him, but it was not the same for me.¬† So yes, getting past it, away from it, now I understand how hard that is to do.

This blog has some great posts, in the middle of this one, it talks about the real love the victim feels and how hard that makes moving on:

In facing the realities of the type of person I have cared for, I have had to evaluate many things about myself as well.  Not to say that being abused was my fault, but I desire to learn from this and not be here again, so I have to be willing to get real with myself.

In doing the excavation, I have discovered some things I would like to ignore but can’t if I am to heal fully.

  • I saw the red flags and ignored them.
  • I went back after the first time he hurt me, called me names and discarded me. Going back many times actually.
  • I allowed my vulnerabilities to override my common sense.¬† Knowing now about love bombing,¬† it’s so blatantly obvious of a ploy I almost feel foolish for falling for it.
  • I learned about the stages of NPD abuse and yet still allowed him to break through my defenses each time.¬† I allowed him to break boundaries I had set because I was addicted to the drama we created for each other.
  • I IGNORED my gut instinct because I had fallen in love. And in doing so allowed more pain to continue long past when the actual (primary) relationship had ended.

In growth, there is usually¬†pain.¬† Part of why I posted that song and have it on repeat.¬† The lyric: “You can’t change without a fallout…”¬† speaks so loudly to me.¬† Getting over someone you loved, takes more than a week or two. Or six.¬†¬†Real love isn’t easily replaced.¬† Even if you’ve loved the wrong type of human,¬† one who hasn’t deserved that love,¬† it doesn’t make it any less real or less painful.

There is still a process to go through. To heal and recover takes time and actions.  Evaluating myself is just one step, taking action to not repeat behaviors is the next.  Education has been part of that.  Learning new ways to set and keep boundaries is another.

If we remain steadfast in No Contact, eventually, we become free from it.  When you have moments of struggle, do not break, reach out to others who truly love you, write, hit the gym, etc.  Do other things that will allow you to keep moving forward.  I write, I workout, I blast music and I talk with those that I trust.

Feeling you are not making progress or having a tough day…this will pass!¬† Stay strong.

Posted in lists

Best friends. 6 traits of a great (bestie) kind of friend.

Best Friends are the BEST!  For me, they are part of what makes me survive this life!  I can not imagine doing this life without them!  So I have to give a shout out to these ladies in my life!  I am very fortunate to have a few really great women in my life that lift me up, support me and tell me the truth.  These are all long-term friendships, all over 10 years, some, all of my adult life.  We have been there for each other through all of the ups and downs of this crazy ride of adulthood, motherhood, marriages, jobs, etc.

I was thinking about the traits that make a great friend.  As I am raising children to go out into this world, I want them to seek people who have similar values as in my experience this makes for better relationships.  So I started thinking about the traits of these wonderful women that make up my core group, that have been the anchors when I have been floating around and the life preservers when drowning.

Here is a list I thought of as I was thinking about each one of them.  Traits one must have to be a great (bestie) friend in my opinion:

  • Honesty.¬† I want my best friends to tell me “yeah you look fat in that”.¬† Ha!¬† Maybe not so harshly, but I want them to be honest with how they think, what they feel, to not say what you want to hear but to speak the truth.¬† And be willing to trust that I will accept their view with the intent it was given…in love.
  • Have a sense of humor.¬† Laughter is most definitely the best medicine. We need friends that make us laugh.¬† The kind where you have tears¬†running down your face.¬† Where you have “inside jokes’ that you share and that can always make you both laugh.
  • Trustworthy.¬† As with the honesty, you have to be able to trust them with your secrets.¬† To trust that yes they will tell you the truth, but more than that, you trust them to have your back.¬† You can count on this kind of friend to keep their word.
  • Loyalty.¬† You want friends that will stand beside you.¬† That will fight the battle with you.¬† The best kind of friend will be the one you can call in the middle of the night and be there.¬† One who¬†will jump in the car and come right away if you really need them. You may never need to exercise this, but knowing you have someone that is there no matter what…is a comfort that some never find.
  • Real.¬† You want a friend that you can show all your sides to.¬† The pretty and the ugly stuff.¬† The stuff you are proud of and the things you are not.¬† And you love each other anyway.¬† There is no real judgment, just a desire to want each other to be their best selves.
  • Cheerleader.¬† Besties cheer for each other.¬† They support each other.¬† They shout and dance when you succeed and hold your hand and cry with you when you fail.¬† They are one of your FANS!

I was always taught that if you can count on one hand these type of friends, you are fortunate.¬† Even if you only have one person that fits this, count yourself lucky.¬† We all need a Bestie type of friend.¬† One who is there through thick and thin.¬† One to laugh and cry with.¬† To just sit in the quiet with as well.¬† For me, I have a handful of these type of girlfriends…I call them my Core.

This is that shout out to them, saying thank you for the support and love through all the chaos and all the triumphs.  I Love that I get to do this life with you.

Send love to your close friends that make this life a little easier.¬† Those that help you through the tough moments and rejoices in the amazing, great moments.¬† Remember to thank them occasionally, to make sure they know how much you value them.¬† I see a season of more good than bad…can’t wait to share it with them and ya’ll.

Happy Days ahead!  Thank you Besties!