Posted in Sunday quotes

Self care (2)

How do you start your Sundays? Do you sleep in? Up early with little ones? Heading to church? A morning walk?

Sunday has always been an early rise day for me, a habit still left over from growing up in church. Now I use these Sunday mornings before my house is awake; meditating and working out. The quiet before everyone rises is an important part of my day. It helps me focus, have more patience, and generally feel better about myself.

As I was getting my cardio on, I thought about all the changes this year has brought. Today’s self care quote I attribute as the main reason. More than 9 months ago I determined this year would be different. I would be different. My life would be better. And it all starts with self-love. With knowing who you are and what you’re worth. Everything, Everything changes when we practice loving oneself.

Posted in General

Anniversary!

I started this blog one year ago today. It was with the intent to offer hope, inspiration and confidence to anyone that might read. It was my way to work through the pain and grief of ending a relationship with a man I loved who was terrible for and to me. My way to understand who he was, why and how he could do the things he did and call that love. By far the blog posts about narcissistic personality disorder and the recovery from that relationship have been the most popular.

It was not my intent to be outspoken about NPD. It wasn’t to demoralize the man I suffered from. It was to understand as much as I could about this type of relationship. All the stages of it I felt were important to share as I researched and worked through the healing process. I wanted to offer hope for anyone in a similar situation. And to show that it is possible to learn to love yourself again after this type of trauma. This blog was started with the intent to help others find their best life, as I worked to find mine.

One year later and almost a year of no contact, I am overjoyed to be in love with my life again. To have accepted the me that could love the Narc and allow that type of abuse. To have worked through the entire process of healing and understand truly what love is and how one should be treated within that love. To have learned how to process loss and see joy on the other side. To tackle my own demons and free myself from their shackles.

This year of blogging has been a journey of so many things. Self-discovery. Raw pain. Vulnerability. Joy. To be on the other side of NPD abuse and to now have a relationship with a man that accepts and understands who I am, who I want to be and helps me along the way in this adventure of life, is a piece of that joy. Knowing WHO I am and working daily to be MY BEST SELF is the greatest part of this journey.

I am thankful for all I learned this last year. Thank you all who have joined me here. To all those who have and still read about NPD, I hope this blog helps provide useful tools. I hope to spend this next year more focused on Joy. On Abundance and Living a Life You Love!

Here’s to more posts and continuing to learn to be our best selves.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted in General

Happy 4th (one day late)

Today in America we celebrate our independence as a nation. It’s one of my favorite celebrations. It’s a big day of family, laughter, games, bbq, food and fireworks. Fireworks are one of my favorite things. Each one that lights up the sky I’m in awe of. I understand how they are made and that fireworks are not all that safe, but they are spectacular, vibrant and beautiful.

This year I’m not thinking so much about the awesome fireworks or all the festivities that go on here today, but pondering what this day represents.

Independence. Freedom. Hard fought freedom.

And as I’m embracing this new chapter in my life, I can’t help but think about how often we have to fight through some battles of our own to get to a place of independence and freedom in our lives. We battle emotions. Sometimes we tussle with others. We struggle with ourselves in an effort to succeed, without realizing that we can create obstacles we didn’t need.

Learning oneself. Learning what you need to thrive. Your own strengths and weaknesses. Being able to grow, change, become better; these can bring a freedom in our lives. The more we battle our own demons, insecurities and shortcomings, the more freedom is in our grasp.

Breaking free from the narc’s cycle of abuse, realizing what I needed to work on in my own self and growing through trials, has brought an incredible sense of freedom. Freedom that allows me to know what healthy looks like. What a healthy relationship looks like. To know independence that doesn’t need to be apologized for. And a sense of joy like I’ve never experienced.

As an American, we’re taught how about our history and the battles our forefathers endured. Let us remember, each individual has their own unique battle to fight through. Keep going. You are not alone. Freedom awaits.

There truly is cause to celebrate!

Posted in General, NPD

Never-ending Love

It’s interesting to take a look at one’s own writings and see which ones have resonated the most with others.  As I look through the 77 posts I have written (wow) I can see that my most read posts have been about NPD abuse; I take that to confirm that it was the right thing to share some of my life.  That perhaps my relationship, break-up, loss and regain of freedom and joy was useful and helpful to others.

So I thought I would share a new post somewhat in connection with that topic.

As I was running an errand tonight, I was thinking about that moment in my life.  The long 3 years; the ups and downs, the good and bad, the love (or the part I believed to be love) and the unloving.  I have moments like anyone that has genuinely loved another, where I reminisce the good times and try to block out the bad.  Where I may see something that triggers a memory and am reminded.

While these thoughts were going through my head, this song came on.  I have heard it many times and it always strikes a cord.  I imagine this is the same for many of us.  Music is often a healer and for me many times, it seems to speak to me.  Seems to break through any cloudy thoughts and shines some light in.

I will always be someone who believes in some level of a higher power, a great connection to the universe and who wants to believe there is better after this life.  One of the ways I stay connected to the spiritual side of myself is to listen to Christian music.  Since I was alone in the car, I turned it up and felt these words wash over me.

Cory Asbury “Reckless Love” 
These words in particular: 
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me”

These words reminded me how protected I was and still am; even now.  I was protected from not binding my life to a man who did not love me like this; who does not know how to love in general as we have explored.  Reminded me there was a reason I could not get past who I know him to be.  These words were showing me that Love; real love; the Right Love; will pursue, will not give up, will fight. And if it’s not right, the Real Love that comes from above, or God, or the universe, or whatever word you call your spiritual power, will find ways to show you, will not stop showing you what you are worth; what you can have; what is best.  Sometimes we listen (even when it takes awhile; 3yrs, sigh) and sometimes we make mistakes.  But it will not stop seeking to show us better. To show us what love is supposed to be like.

It took me awhile to believe I was better off.  That I wasn’t missing something that should be for me.  Today, I am beyond grateful that I have learned what love should be.  That I did not settle for less.  Thankful that I was shown the true colors again and again so that I was not blind to what I would’ve been accepting.  And I am thankful I have always known (deep down, hidden for a while) the kind of love I want.  The kind I truly deserve and am worth.   So I was able to finally accept that what I was getting, what I thought I wanted, what I was missing (after leaving) was not the Best for me.  Was not the kind of love anyone wants.

And as I know this song is truly talking about the Christian version of God, his love and pursuit of us, I am taking the liberty to apply these words to love in general.  Starting with yourself.  That we should be reckless in the self-love that we have.  When we overwhelming love who we see in the mirror, we are free to pursue the right things for our lives.  We will love others with abandon, with freedom, with joy.  When we are filled up with true love, we can’t help but love others the way this song claims “God” loves us.

I hope you have an overwhelming, never-ending, reckless kind of love for yourself.  And that you are free to love the others in your life with the same.

Listen here: