Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday Reflections–How do you fight?

It’s another Sunday that I am reflecting on this weekend and as couples do, we had a moment of disagreement.  This has me thinking about how we you go to battle over different thoughts, ideals or interpretations of things in couplehood?  How do you disagree, be upset or angry and yet still be loving as well?  Is this even possible?

I have read before that how a couple fights is one of the biggest determinations of their success and longevity.  How they speak and react to each other will predict if they will stand the test of time  I have no idea if this is true or not, but I can understand why this would be a large part of a relationship success study.

In an argument; when your feelings are hurt, you feel misunderstood, or you are just plain angry, most of us are not thinking clearly and often not behaving at our best.  How can we make sure our voice or view is heard while still showing respect and care to the one we love?

Having a successful relationship takes a lot of work.  It is not easy and yet I believe our human nature is to fight against this fact.  We want it to be smooth all the time.  We do not desire to argue and disagree or hurt each others feelings.  Human nature is often lazy (although we do not like to believe this; at least I do not) and to have a healthy relationship takes effort, time and energy that we do not always feel like expending.

In evaluating our disagreement post fact and knowing we desire to be among those who are successful in relationships, I thought I would share what I think are the ways to argue in a healthy way with your partner.

  1. Keep voices calm and at normal volume.  I know this may be very tough to do, but this is the person you love, why would you want to yell or scream at them?
  2. Stay committed to the issue at hand.  This can be tough, especially if you are the one who has done something to offend.  Our desire is to fight back; defend our self and take “the heat off us” so to speak.  Turning the argument into another one does not solve the first issue, stay on topic.
  3. Arguing should be done privately. Find a time that you can be alone without children or others.  Never in front of friends or in public.
  4. Stay respectful.  Know and believe that that your partner is desiring the same goal; to have a healthy, loving relationship.  Stay away from attacking each other and use I statements rather than You statements.  If you didn’t study this in school, here is what I mean: An I statement is a way to communicate that focuses on your own feelings or thoughts rather than those characteristics of the recipient.  An example of this would be: “I feel angry when the dishes are often left in the sink rather than put in the dishwasher, it makes me feel unappreciated and that I am the only one that pays attention to cleaning the kitchen.”  This is better than attacking and saying “You never wash the dishes, you do not care about a clean kitchen.” etc.    I know this is very challenging in the beginning, but the more you practice this, it becomes easier and easier.
  5. Forgive and apologize quickly.  Say you are sorry when you do something wrong.  Choose reconciliation over being right.  You are building a partnership, this requires an immense amount of grace for yourself and the one you love.

When we live with any other human we are going to have disagreements.  Living with others can help refine and shape us into our best selves if we let it. Arguments can teach us new things about our partner and give us the opportunity to grow closer.  And in choosing to live your best self; learning, changing and adapting is a requirement.  There will be struggles along the way, but perhaps these few tools will help you if you are navigating this life with another.

Have a blessed day.  Continue in choosing the path that leads you to your best life.

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday reflections; thinking about love in the time of Covid.

I am having a hard day.  I miss my kids.  I miss going to meet friends.  I miss just being able to walk around a book store (one of my favorite things).  And I am finding the longer this quarantine and stay home order lasts, the toll it can take on our relationships.

As we are home, all together, all hours of all the days, some of us may find this harder than others.  For those that are like me, who need alone time, this time could feel claustrophobic, caged in, overwhelming and these feelings are not very conducive to creating a loving atmosphere.

So this has me thinking about the ease of love.  How easy it is to love one another when we have some space, other activities and things to take up our time.  When we have escapes if you will with our friends or colleagues.  When we see new and different things out in the world that we can bring home and share.  When we seem or our partners seem more interesting. And while there are tough times in all relationships, I think this moment in time has magnified ALL things.  And some of these are tough, not so great.

We are not getting breaks.  We are not seeing other faces.  We do not have a random story to share when we come from work as we work from home all week.  We are stuck together with those we may choose or not choose to be with.  How do you keep loving in the midst of this time?  How do you let this moment bind you together and strengthen you rather than weaken?

As I struggle today, have a headache from too many tears, I am reminded of the love we have in our faith.  I have been listening on repeat to songs that bring me hope, encouragement and strength.  I am reminded that Love casts out Fear.  We have this time to build rather than tear down.  We are getting a gift; although it does not feel like it every day.

Love as an emotion is easy.  It says all the “right’ things, makes you smile and feel good.  It doesn’t take any real strength or action to tell someone you love them.  But I have always viewed love as a verb.  It is more than an emotion.  It has to be tough.  It has to weather storms, battles and disease.  It has to speak truth when your feelings are hurt.  It has to share more than a kiss and hug.  It has to accept sad and happy moments.  It pushes through pain and sorrow and fear.  It has to act in a way of honesty and integrity. If it has the power to cast out fear; then it has the power to bring us strength; to build, to render hope. And in this current season, it has an opportunity to shine through some hard moments.

Loving your family in an all day, everyday, feeling way is easy.  But in this unexpected time we are living in across the world right now, it has required us to get very real with our actions.  It has shown me how much harder this is to do when we are all together all the time.  When each one is processing loss and sadness.  When at times there are just too many people and meals and needs.

Each one of us is handling this time differently and we all have different ways we need to receive love.  Today for me that meant pouring my grief, frustrations, pain all out on this man I share my life with.  And him trying very hard to show me love back when I can imagine I was not that lovable.  But that is what love does; it accepts all.  All the ugly moments.  All the good.  And in this time of uncertainty and loss; we can choose to see the moments “stuck at home” as an opportunity to grow in our love.  Love can handle the honesty, it can handle the sorrow and the pain.  It can handle being quarantined if we let it.

I hope that wherever you are you are loved.  I hope you have someone who holds you even when your eyes hurt to stay open because they have cried too many tears.  I hope this time strengthens your relationships.   And if alone, know that none of us are ever truly alone.  We are all going through this human experience; we are in this together.

Keep holding onto love.

 

 

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday Reflections (29) – Mindset

I’ve been thinking the past few days about the reoccurring themes in life. There have been many times when my ideas, types of people I attracted and activities I participated in were within the same general theme. Meaning I wasn’t healthy so my actions weren’t. The people I chose to spend time with weren’t. How I thought about myself and life wasn’t very positive.

But as I’ve talked about, the past few years I’ve been committed to personal growth. To changing how I think and live. The books I read are all about this. The people I spend time with are positive and healthy. My reoccurring patterns are now about growth and mindset.

When you desire to become your best self and live your best life, you have to work on your thinking first and foremost. This thought isn’t new but it can be very tough to do.

These quotes are reminders of that theme.

What are the reoccurring themes in your life? Are they positive? Do you focus on the good in life or the bad? You can always find both.

Being committed to change and growth all starts in your mind. I encourage you to do the mind work. Find books. Podcasts. Blogs. Anything that will feed your mind in a positive way. That will help you change your patterns of thinking so you can change your patterns of living.

I’m off to read my latest book about mindset. I hope you have a fabulous Sunday.

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday reflections (26)

Good morning all. It feels like summer is coming to an end with grey cloudy skies upon on us here today in the Northwest.  It’s kind of nice to have a break for a moment from hot days but I’m not quite ready for the sun to disappear.  I am however looking forward to school coming back into session. Routine is nice. With 4 kids, a dog and jobs,  routine is necessary.  But summer often seems like such a short burst of time and before we know it we are facing the routines of life again.  I find that by this time every summer, I am ready for the next season but also a tiny bit nostalgic for this one not to end.  That is the way life goes right?.

With the season close to changing, I have been making changes as well.  Today begins week 2 of a new routine I am creating. It feels great to be working towards goals. I think setting goals, writing them down and keeping track of each time you take action towards them you feel accomplished.  It’s important to note the small steps as it can take awhile to see results; no matter what the goal is. Sometimes the tougher goals take so much longer that you can lose momentum if you don’t note the tiny incremental victories.

So I am logging the small victory of pursuing those goals into week 2.  I had set an intention and goal to wake up early each day except one (check). I made a goal to work out numerous days; check this off too. I renewed my commitment to read daily.  And I just saw that I have written (with this one) 165 posts!  Wow I didn’t even realize.  Perhaps I will add in goals for this blog soon.

Are you a goal setter or do you wake up each day and see what it brings?  I have a drive to pursue excellence and am almost always striving to better myself and my life.   This can get tiresome and lonely and be tough for those around me who may not view life the same way, but in order to be my best self this is what I need to do.  Each of us has a way of how we do things; finding the best way for yourself will evolve throughout life.  I have always been a goal setter but not always as committed to the work required to pursue them; this area I have definitely matured in as time has gone by. 

Being in a season of growth and change is exciting for me.  When I am consciously choosing to work hard on my goals, when I set the time to create and plan, and then do the work, I am working on my best self in my best life.  I love seeing and feeling the growth personally which spills over into other areas of life as well.

As the season starts to change moving into school for many of us, getting closer to Fall, I hope you find what will create the best life for you.  I hope you have goals you work towards.  I will share with you how I determine goals and how to tackle them in the coming weeks as I continue to pursue them.

Have a fabulous start to your week.

 

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday reflections (25)

Love the long summer days. With the sun hiding here in the northwest the past couple days, today was a great day for being creative. Pulled out the sewing machine to teach a new quilter. Had a busy day of cutting and piecing together the top of a quilt. Fun times. Will post pics when they are complete.

Sometimes “lazy” Sundays are not so lazy after all. Finding ways to learn or create is so relaxing for me. Think I’ll finish my day with reading as well.

What do you do to enjoy your days off? Do you have hobbies or crafts that can keep you occupied for hours? Do you play sports or games that just melt time away? I hope you find time to do those things. These are good for the soul.

Hope you’ve enjoyed your Sunday. Till next time…