Posted in NPD

Updated NPD post–A Recovering Narc Victim

I have been debating writing this post. I wrote at the end of the year about wanting to move this blog towards a new place, away from this topic.  But this topic still seems relevant and many of you read or reread the NPD posts so I thought I would provide a sort of “update” on this topic.  I am at a very different place than when I first started blogging about this.  But even with where I’m at now, I still struggle at times. There are still remnants; pieces that are misshapen and need tender care. There are moments of confusion and questioning myself.

I like to think because I’m healthy, have no contact with the narc and am in love and in a healthy relationship that I was all “healed” from the damage. But the truth is, being a victim of any abuse leaves you scared.  Leaves you with moments of doubt and uncertainty.

When you have been a narcissists supply, you have been deceived in a hideous, insidious way. You essentially have your brain warped; mind f’d we call it. The wires have to (in some ways) be reprogrammed to think normally again. And I’m not sure how long that takes.

So I thought I would write what this recovering looks like to me. I am not any authority on abuse or know what you need if in this situation, so please seek help if you are in danger. But I do know what I’ve studied and gone through after experiencing narcissistic abuse. What I’ve done to get healthy and perhaps some of these things can help you as well.

My steps of recovery:

1. Recognizing what abuse is. Reading and studying about narcissistic abuse. The more I learned the more power I developed to fight my mind when it wanted to believe the opposite. When I wanted to think there was actual love there, I had to unlearn the things he made me believe were love.

2. Listening to the voice that says this isn’t right. That gut instinct. The isolation from family and friends, how you’re spoken to, the hot/cold moods, the insistence to please and the forceful ways in which you are made to do so. None of that was okay. And you’re gut almost always knows this. I’ve learned to listen to it now.

3. Absolute zero contact. I read over and over how vital this is to healing and would agree. I blocked, deleted and made sure to avoid any places where any contact would be likely. I’m lucky I was able to follow through. The narc didn’t respect those boundaries all the time, but what matters is that I follow that. Often as the victim we don’t know how to sever the tie and because our brain has been messed up, we become addicted to the abuser. Zero contact was the hardest but most effective action for healing.

4. Journaling and writing about it all helped me feel less alone. Helped me understand more of this type of abuser and gave me a voice I didn’t have in any other way. And writing is a fabulous outlet to help process all the emotions you’re not sure how to handle. Sometimes just getting them out even if to just tear it up helps release those feelings that you have no where else to put them.

5. I focused on my health and creating a life I loved. I didn’t stay focused on the losses. Or the abuse. I would give it thought, write about it and then move onto something else. I read all the time. Kept busy with friends and tried to stay busy.  I became physically active to help in releasing all those happy endorphins; to keep myself positive.

Each of us has to do what we can to heal from abuse. Hopefully we choose to heal and move on in a healthy way. My process has worked for me. And yet I still have moments where I see more work to be done. The wounds are long scared over but they are still there. If you’re in the open wound or scabbed over stage, I recommend seeking help. Be part of a community that will support your healing. Take ideas from others. Read. Write. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. But one you can recover from and move forward to build a beautiful life.

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday reflections (9)

It feels like spring again today! Waking up to the sunshine is such a positive way to rise. There is a hope that springs brings that is different than any other season. Promises of new, fresh and beautiful are on the horizon.

As I’m enjoying my quiet morning before the daily symphony of folks awaken, I’m reflecting on this statement:

Spring is the time for new. We have some exciting new changes and adventures we are planning and working on this spring. Can’t wait to see the fruit these produce.

Are you planning for new? Any beginnings coming your way? Watch for what may be coming, new life sprouts soon.

Have a fabulous day!

Posted in General

Honor the women

Today we honor women and the impact they have on this world.  It’s International Women’s Day.  I didn’t really know why or the reasoning behind this day so I thought I would look it up.  Here is what I found:

International Women’s Day (IWD) is celebrated on March 8 every year. After women gained suffrage in Soviet Russia in 1917, March 8 became a national holiday there. The day was then predominantly celebrated by the socialist movement and communist countries until it was adopted in 1975 by the United Nations.  

And I found that each year there is a theme.  This year, the theme is “Balance for Better.”  The 2019 initiative is aimed at gender equality, a greater awareness of discrimination and a celebration of women’s achievements, according to the International Women’s Day website.

In honor of today I want to thank all those that had to suffer to make our voices be heard.  Those that have marched, sacrificed and fought to bring the rights I enjoy every day into fruition.  I can go get a job.  I can cash my own paycheck.  I can drive a car.  I can marry or divorce whom I choose.  And so many, many more things that I take for granted because of the millions of women that have gone before me to create these freedoms.

Thank you to all the women who are still fighting oppression in countries I have never been to.  Stay strong and know that there are many supporting you and taking up your cause.  International Women’s Day is proof of how far women have come to better this world for themselves and all.  How we continue to be the heart; to be strong in the face of adversary and to rise up!  Not against others; but together.

Enjoy and honor your women today.  Take special care with the older women who know challenges us younger gals will never have to face.  Thank them.

I love these two quotes from Maya Angelou:

“You have tried to destroy me and though I perish daily, I shall not be moved.” 

“I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.” 

Posted in Sunday quotes

Sunday reflections (7)

Good morning world!  It’s attempting to snow this early morning in the northwest.  It’s pretty to watch and I hope it sticks around long enough to get some play time.  A rare event here in the northwest.

As I am thinking of all I need to finish up today before the work week begins again, I am reflecting on this quote:

This is important to me because I am wanting to make significant progress on my goals this year.  I am a great talker, a great starter but somewhere in the middle I falter and find I often do not follow through enough to complete what I started.  This year I have set some big intentions that I am committed to tackling.  So I am reflecting this morning on how important the Actions are! Stating intent is great!  Necessary!  But it’s in the doing where we find the fruit and growth.  I do not want to be just a talker!  I want to be a doer!  I want to experience all the great things that accomplishing goals brings!

Today is about the actions!  Not the words.  I challenge you if this is an area you struggle with, be intentional today! Write down one or two things you can do today, the next few hours to move forward in your pursuit of your best life.  Join me as I tackle my own list.  Together we will start to see the changes and that actions do speak louder than words!

Have a fabulous Sunday wherever you are!  Live with intention to be the best you!

 

Posted in General

Anniversary!

I started this blog one year ago today. It was with the intent to offer hope, inspiration and confidence to anyone that might read. It was my way to work through the pain and grief of ending a relationship with a man I loved who was terrible for and to me. My way to understand who he was, why and how he could do the things he did and call that love. By far the blog posts about narcissistic personality disorder and the recovery from that relationship have been the most popular.

It was not my intent to be outspoken about NPD. It wasn’t to demoralize the man I suffered from. It was to understand as much as I could about this type of relationship. All the stages of it I felt were important to share as I researched and worked through the healing process. I wanted to offer hope for anyone in a similar situation. And to show that it is possible to learn to love yourself again after this type of trauma. This blog was started with the intent to help others find their best life, as I worked to find mine.

One year later and almost a year of no contact, I am overjoyed to be in love with my life again. To have accepted the me that could love the Narc and allow that type of abuse. To have worked through the entire process of healing and understand truly what love is and how one should be treated within that love. To have learned how to process loss and see joy on the other side. To tackle my own demons and free myself from their shackles.

This year of blogging has been a journey of so many things. Self-discovery. Raw pain. Vulnerability. Joy. To be on the other side of NPD abuse and to now have a relationship with a man that accepts and understands who I am, who I want to be and helps me along the way in this adventure of life, is a piece of that joy. Knowing WHO I am and working daily to be MY BEST SELF is the greatest part of this journey.

I am thankful for all I learned this last year. Thank you all who have joined me here. To all those who have and still read about NPD, I hope this blog helps provide useful tools. I hope to spend this next year more focused on Joy. On Abundance and Living a Life You Love!

Here’s to more posts and continuing to learn to be our best selves.

Happy Anniversary!